Life

My Two Year Check Up

I’ve been neglecting my blog for way too long. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to write, it’s because I’ve had too much to write and I guess you could say that I got overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. But today is the day I have decided to write it all down. Lucky you,  my faithful readers! LOL!

I’ll start with my feelings as I quickly approach the 2 year mark of my divorce being final.  I am not exactly where I want to be emotionally, but I have come a long way. And that is something I need to remind myself of when I am too hard on myself.

I can truthfully say that I am almost to the “Meh” phase when I think about my ex, deal with my ex and look at my ex. I don’t think I will ever like my ex, and I know I will never respect him.  I am at the point that after he opens his mouth and tries to have his every annoying friendly chit chat with me I am reminded about all the reasons I was so miserable in my marriage. I don’t miss a God damn thing about that man and that I can say with 100% honesty. He’s still with fugly and all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of their dysfunctional “relationship.” He has zero friends, isn’t close with his family, and so therefore uses her for company. She thinks he walks on water and is so insecure she will take whatever she can get from him, so she accepts the tiny little kibbles he throws her way. Their relationship actually makes me sick to be honest. Two severely dysfunctional people trying to fill their emotional holes with each other’s insecurity. Chew on that for a few minutes. All I can say is GROSS. She can have his lying, cheating ass for as long as she wants. I am forever done with that POS.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I reflect on my own self-discovery and on a good day I realize how far I’ve come. I am not even the same woman I was when I was in my marriage. I have stepped outside my comfy box of contentment so many times; it’s actually becoming more of a habit. I started this blog; I am hiking mountains that two years ago would have put me in the hospital from exhaustion. I’m volunteering on a regular basis, where I have met so many new friends. I have a good life. I really do.

And here’s where I get real and really lay it out there. I struggle, and I have struggled a lot lately with my depression. I’ve suffered from this for years off and on and realistically I think it started after my mom died over 30 years ago. But it wasn’t until after I had my daughter that I started taking medication. The medication helps, but that damn black cloud of despair still rears its ugly head from time to time and the past few months that black cloud hasn’t gone away. I think a lot has to do with the weather here. I don’t remember having such a grey and gloomy winter in years. This year has been bad. I had my yearly physical a couple weeks ago and my doc upped the dosage on my happy pills and I started taking vitamin D, which I think is helping. I am starting to see my way out of the fog.

I’m exercising on a regular basis, which is the first time if my life I can say that. I exercise for my mental state now, as much as I want to tone up my body.  I guess you could say that exercise is keeping me sane.

There are days that I miss my dad so much it physically hurts. I cry during random times and even had to leave work early a few weeks ago because I couldn’t stop crying. Grief is funny that way. It sneaks up on you and most times it’s at a moment you didn’t see coming.

I am starting to accept the fact that I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to have days that I don’t want to get out of bed or I want to cry all day because I miss my dad. I can have those days. And I am no longer going to feel guilty when I do.

I also have good days. I will never take those good days for granted. I start each day with a grateful heart and remind myself of all the wonderful things I am so fortunate to have in my life. So many things that we tend to take for granted during our normal, mundane life. I have a roof over my head, I have all of my limbs, I’m healthy, my daughter is healthy, and a really awesome kid to boot. I have friends, a lot of friends that I am eternally grateful for.

Even on those not so good days, I’m eternally grateful to be here breathing and alive to take it all in.

 

 

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Grief

I Need to Apologize

I need to apologize for something, and I’ll tell you why.  My mother died when I was 12 years old, which was 30 years ago. Since my mom did die so early this means she missed out on a lot of my life. She missed going to the mall to buy me my first bra, she missed being there to experience my first period, she missed attending my high school graduation, she missed my college graduation, she missed my wedding, she missed the birth of her only grandchild, she missed staying with me after I brought my daughter home from the hospital, which is when I really needed her the most. She also missed being there for me during my divorce, which would be the second time I needed her the most.  Those events are the big events.  She missed out on so much more. She missed out on dealing with a moody, angry teenager who would turn into a kind adult that would cherish a friendship with her mother. She missed out on being there when I got my heart crushed by a boyfriend. She missed out on the mundane of my life, the new careers, and funny stories. All of it. My mom has missed every single thing that has happened in my life for the past 30 years!

And this is why, as I got older , when I would hear of someone losing a parent when they were an adult I would get sad but I was also kind of resentful and had the mindset that they should just get over it. At least they had their parent for the graduations, the weddings, the grandchildren. They had their parent for all of it!

Well, now the tables have turned and I lost my father at 43 and I need to apologize. The loss of my father has been devastating, soul crushing and at times unbearable. And you know why? Because he was there to buy my first bra, he was there to buy me pads when I started my period. He was there at my high school graduation, he was there when I graduated with my Bachler’s Degree and many years later he was there when I graduated with my Master’s Degree. He was there for me every single time I needed him. Every single time. He was at my wedding, he was there when my daughter was born, and he was the one that stayed with me the weekend after I brought her home from the hospital. He came to every one of her birthday parties. He was there for me when I was getting a divorce. And now he will never be there again. And this is what’s unbearable.

I get it; I get it why it’s so sad and horrible to lose your parent as an adult. It’s because they were there to experience it all. Your parent, the person who has known you the longest was there for every milestone you ever had.  Sometimes in life one fully doesn’t grasp something until one experiences it.  That is true for me in many instances, but especially true when it comes to the loss of a parent. It’s never easy, I always knew that. But, for some strange reason I didn’t think it would be as hard to lose a parent as an adult. I thought losing a parent as a child would be the most soul crushing loss one can experience. I am here to tell you that it’s not. It’s not easy, not by any means. But it’s as if you’re comparing apples and oranges. One loss isn’t harder than the other. When my Dad died suddenly after a short illness, instead of being able to grieve I had to work on his obituary and schedule a Celebration of Life. I had to go through pictures and create a slide show, I had to order food for his Celebration of Life.  I had to figure out what  decorations to put on the tables, what belongings to place on the viewing tables. This is not something I wanted to do while I was in shock and such sorrow after losing my dad. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not get out for days.  I wanted to curse and scream and ask why my dad, who was the most amazing, positive person you could ever meet, had to die 2 days after his 69th birthday.

When my mom died when I was a child, I didn’t have to worry about the obituary, the service or the food that would be served there. I had to worry about how I would manage without such a prominent figure and role model, while I entered what could be some of the most difficult years of my life, even with both of your parents alive and well.

There is no comparison, absolutely none.

They both hurt like a mother fucker.