Divorce

How I Celebrated The End of My Marriage

I got a very quick divorce. As tumultuous as it was, I know my ex and I both wanted to be done. He had cheated, I was pissed and I wanted to be rid of him physically and legally as fast as I could. From the day I filed to the day my divorce was final was slightly over the 90 day waiting period that my state mandates.

I could not wait to go back to my maiden name and get back to the person I had lost during my marriage.

What did I do the day my divorce was final? I met some friends for some celebratory drinks and had sex with a guy I met online.

After meeting my friends, I met my new online dating friend at a bar and after a couple drinks he asked me if I wanted to go to his place. I gladly accepted the invite. As I was following him to his place he turned into a parking lot of a place I didn’t recognize. It was a pot shop! Pot had recently become legal in my state and these types of shops were popping everywhere. We walked into the store, showed the door man our ID and read over the menu (a real menu) of different varieties of pot we could choose from. We made our selection, paid and were on our way.

This man was also newly separated and had left his family home and lived in a one bedroom apartment with only a futon and TV in his living room. No pictures on the wall, nothing else in the place!  I felt like I was back in my early 20’s when having a futon was a luxury.

We proceeded to get stoned out of our minds and one thing led to another and I was in his bedroom taking my clothes off. The sex was good. It was really good. After we got done, we got dressed and went back in his living room and started to watch Game of Thrones. After watching Game of Thrones for about 5 minutes we somehow made our way back to his bedroom and were naked and having sex again. We finished, put our clothes back on and vegged out in front of the TV for what seemed like hours so I could sober up enough to drive home.

I finally sobered up, drove home and was met in the door by my step mom who had been in town with my dad and they were babysitting my daughter. I felt like a high school kid that got caught sneaking out. I avoided eye contact at all costs so my step mom wouldn’t notice my blood shot, still somewhat stoned eye balls.

I never saw this guy again after our little tryst. Sure, he texted me a few times, but honestly he was a super nice guy, but I felt zero spark. And I think he felt the same. We both had an itch that needed scratching. If I were to ever run into this man I would gladly give him a huge hug and see how he’s doing post-divorce. He was a nice man, but just not for me.

I am not sure that I would remember that night so vividly had it not been a celebration of sorts. I will admit that even though my marriage ended so badly and I wanted out and hadn’t loved my husband for years I still felt a little sad that my marriage was officially over. I actually surprised myself when I felt that wave of sadness overcome me.  I certainly didn’t go into my marriage thinking I would get a divorce, that’s for sure. It was the exact opposite. I remember thinking that when we started to have problems that I would make sure to work really hard and had confidence that my ex-husband would too. Ha! Little did I really know how bad things could get in a marriage.

Each year on April 24th my smile gets a little bigger knowing that I am officially free from my marriage and all the emotional pain I was in during those last couple years.

Cheers to D Day!

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Divorce

How To Tame The Beast When It Wants To Run Wild

I went there today with my ex-husband. And when I say there I mean that ugly place where I say or in this case text something where instead I should have just taken a deep breath and moved on with my day.  I have been doing  good for a long time staying silent when I really want to go a little nuts or say something really passive aggressive to my ex.  My tongue has the bloody scars to prove how much I’ve been biting it the past few months.  But sometimes I can’t tame the beast and it unleashes like a caged tiger jumps at a fresh raw piece of meat once that cage door opens. Today I was that tiger and my ex was that piece of meat.

My ex lied, cheated and betrayed me when he decided to have an affair. I’m more upset about the betrayal more than anything. Neither one of us was happy the past few years of our marriage, but even so when we fought (which wasn’t really that often) we were never the type to cuss, scream, degrade and yell at one another. We fought like real adults. We talked about what was pissing us off and didn’t need to tell the other person to fuck off.

Well now I have days where I would love to shout FUCK YOU from the roof top. I want to hear it echoing miles around me so that bastard knows what a piece of shit he is. Is this healthy? No. And I know it’s not. But isn’t it ok to still go crazy once in a while? When is the perfect time to let it all go? I don’t know the answer.

Why do I still harbor this anger and resentment? Is it because the last few times I’ve seen my ex he tries to play nice and make small talk?  Any sort of friendship or idle chit chat will not be happening. That all went out the window when he decided to fuck his mistress in our bed for a year and a half. This mistress whom he met on the married dating site www.ashleymadison.com. Can you say “Jerry Springer?” I’ll also add that my ex’s mistress now girlfriend looks NOTHING like the woman Ashley Madison promotes on its homepage.  On a scale from 1-10, I’d give her a 4 at best, and that’s being nice.

I think what it boils down to is this harbored anger and resentment is really about me. How did I let this man who I spent 9 years of my life with make such a fool of me? Why didn’t I do anything when my gut told me on numerous occasions that something wasn’t right? Why did I ignore all the warning signs that something wasn’t right? Was I too lazy and not ready to leave? Did I not love myself enough to think I could do it on my own?

But, I hung in there for my daughter and step son. I’m the one that recommended we go to counseling. I did want my marriage to survive, even though I knew deep down that I had fallen out of love with him years ago. But now I get angry again, who in the fuck goes to marriage counseling in the midst of an affair and doesn’t bring it up? My ex-husband!!! My God, is he a sociopath? How this man sleeps at night is beyond me.

I am going to take a deep breath, count my blessings and play with the scars I’ve created on my tongue.  I have a feeling I’ll be biting it a few more times before I can finally say I’m over this and I have officially moved on.

Divorce

Since Getting a Divorce This Is What I Know For Sure

Before going through my divorce, I knew one absolute truth and that was we will all die. There’s no way to escape that. Everything else was really a big crap shoot.

As I approach my official one year anniversary of my divorce and my year of soul searching I have come to realize a few things I definitely know for sure about myself and relationships.

It’s been a rough and rocky road, but I can honestly say that even though I’m not exactly where I want to be emotionally, I am so much closer than I was a year ago. I can tell that the hard work I’ve been putting in is paying off. Improving yourself mentally is just as tough as preparing your body for a marathon. You must work at it and work hard every single day to see the rewards. I am finally starting to see those rewards.

During this last year I had to take a step back and take note about the men I had chosen throughout my life and I began to see a pattern.

Maya Angelou so wisely stated “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Looking back I always saw a few red flags in the beginning of all of my relationships but naively thought that either he would change once we got serious or I thought that those red flags wouldn’t bother me later on down the line. I thought that it was something I could deal with. No one’s perfect, right?  Well, I was wrong on both accounts. When you see someone lying and stretching the truth to everyone else, but think he’s not going to lie to you, you’ll be sadly mistaken. When you marry someone who’s been married 2 other times and he tells you that both women left him, take note. There was a big reason why those women left him. Now I know. He is a cheating, micro managing, penny pinching douche bag. That’s why they left. That’s why I left. Lesson learned.

When your gut tells you something is not right then something is not right. This is something I would bet my life on.   Not once in my 43 years have I gotten that gut feeling for no reason. I have ignored that feeling on more than one occasion and it bit me in the ass. My now ex-husband had a year and a half long affair. I started to get weird gut feelings a month or two after he started this affair. I ignored it because I never ever thought he was the type of person to do such a thing. I should have listened. Sometimes we know things before we want to believe we know things. I swear to God that I will never ever ignore that feeling again.

I also learned very recently that it is me and me alone that controls how I feel.  Whether I’m happy, sad, mad, jealous, etc. it’s my reaction that will determine my emotion.  I have wasted so much of my energy letting the negative behavior of my ex get to me. I finally realized that what he did and continues to do is his issue. He’s the one who has to lay his head on his pillow every night knowing what he did. I do the same knowing that I tried my best and continue to only focus on the good.

And there is so much good. I have learned that had I not started being grateful for what I do have even at my lowest of lows, I could never have made it as far as I have. Instead of wallowing in my pity and woes I make it a point each and every day to think of at least 5 things I’m grateful for. I usually start with the same two every day; I woke up and I have my health.  Honestly, I don’t understand how the people who are always negative, bitching and complaining all the time can make it. Life is really hard at times, but you have to see the silver lining. You just have to in order to make it to the other side taking away some life lesson that it was supposed to teach you.

It’s been a long and winding road to get where I am today, but I have no doubt that I’m where I am supposed to be.

Divorce, Life

Is Single Life Really The New Boogy Man?

I’ve come to a realization that I am a rarity within my female gender.

I don’t feel like I need a relationship, a man, a warm body to “complete” me or to make me feel happier about myself.  Lately I have come across a multitude of women who choose to either stay in very dysfunctional relationships or jump into one relationship to the next because they are so damn scared of being alone.

This really, really pisses me off! Why do so many amazing, beautiful, talented women feel that in order to be whole that they must be partnered up to do so? Does having a warm body next to you really makes you feel that much better even if that warm body drinks too much, verbally abuses you, lies to you and cheats on you?  Why would anyone in their right mind choose this relationship over the “dreaded” single life?

I know that love is complicated and that both men and women are complex individuals, but why does it seem that I am the minority as I try to work on myself alone, without that warm body?

I need to find out why in the past I have always picked the dysfunctional men who have drinking problems, sex addictions, and the men who feel that habitual lying is a part of life and is ok to do on a daily basis.

As I step back and look at my past relationships I can see a pattern, and it’s not good.

I admit that I am very fortunate to have a tribe of many friends and family that love me and have been there for me whenever I have needed them. Especially during this past year of transition from family of 4 to breadwinner divorced single mom. Which by the way scares me to death to know that it’s me and only me that is responsible to raise my child and give her the life that is better than the one I had growing up. One of my biggest fears is that the day she turns 18 her first phone call with be to a therapist because I screwed up so badly during the prior 18 years.

I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the imminent future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.

What makes me so sad is that many of these women who choose to remain in dysfunctional relationships are modeling what relationships look like to their children. This then starts the whole dysfunctional process all over again with a new generation.

What is the answer? How can I help my fellow sisters realize that being single isn’t a bad thing? Why is being alone so scary? Do these women despise themselves so much that being alone reminds them of how much work they have to do in order to get where they know they need to be?

This process I’m in of self-discovery is not easy. There are days that I want to lay in bed, pull the covers over my face and stay there for weeks on end. But, I can’t. I have to face life and my inner demons head on in order to find peace within myself.  I am doing this work not only for me, but for the love of my life; my daughter. I want her to know that she doesn’t need a handsome prince to come save her when life breaks her down. What she needs is herself. That is all she will ever need. And maybe her mom.

Dating, Divorce, Life

Do they all really let us down sometimes?

When I was in Jr. High many years ago, my friend and I made up a little acronym- G.A.S. and it stood for “Guys are Shit” and our slogan was “They all let you down sometime.” We even had a man haters “club.” I was proudly the president of said club and my friend was fine being nominated as Vice President. What’s funny about this is that I can barely remember what I did last weekend, but I remember this part of my childhood as if it happened yesterday.

I’ve always loved love. I am a sucker for any romantic comedy and I always love when the outcast geeky girl ends up with the hot, popular jock. Think Molly Ringwald in the classic 80’s movie “Pretty in Pink.”  I had many daydreams as a geeky pre-teen that the amazing popular boy would fall madly in love with me and we would be sitting on my dining room table in front of a birthday cake getting ready to make out. Think the other 80’s classic “Sixteen Candles.” Pretty much every girl who grew up in the 80’s wanted to date Jake Ryan.

What I find sad is that in my 40’s I’m ready to return to my old position of President of the  man hater’s club and I find myself reverting back to that saying I made up when I was barely a teenager. In the last year my life I have been witness to the following:

  • A husband who had an affair with a woman he met on Ashlemadison.com. This woman would come to my house on a regular basis for a year and a half while I was at work and have sex with my husband in my bed. I was completely blindsided because I would have bet anyone that my husband would never cheat on me. I never ever thought he was the type. Lesson Learned.
  • One of my best friend’s long term boyfriend of 5 plus years cheated on her with someone young enough to be his daughter (she’s legal age, but barely) AND has proof that he also likes to give blow jobs to men who are living as women.
  • A new friend I met through my daughter’s school friend has been with her partner for 13 years and he has cheated on her the past 2 years off and on with the same woman. This man can’t decide who he loves and is stringing both women along. He treats my friend like shit, verbally abusing her and drinking all day long as she pays all the bills. It’s actually quite pathetic.
  • I joined a private online support group for divorced moms and I had to leave the group within a week because all of the stories were so depressing. A woman who was married for 30 years was left out of a blue for a man. More than one woman was married for 20+ yeas and their husbands pretty much woke up one day and decided they didn’t want to be married any longer. Another woman was 7 months pregnant when she found out about her husband’s affair. The list goes on and on.
  • A guy I briefly dated about 9 months ago who I met online still has his profile up and is now lying about his age. I realize this seems mild compared to infidelity and betrayal, but I can’t stand liars, especially since I was married to one for 8 years.

 

What the fuck has happened to good old fashion honesty?

I was miserable in my marriage and would dream about having an affair all the time, but I just couldn’t do it because the guilt would have been too much. If my ex and I would have decided to cut our losses a few years ago, we could have remained friends and co parented our daughter in harmony. But now, I hate his guts and can barely look at him. Sometimes I can’t.

Why can’t we all just be honest when a relationship isn’t working? Breaking up is going to hurt no matter how it happens, but it can soften the blow a little if you keep betrayal out of it.

Remember the saying “He’s just not that into you” made popular from one of my favorite shows, “Sex and the City?” Can’t we make this universal and just end it with “You know what, it was fun I did love you at one point, but you know what I’m just not that into you anymore and I feel the urge to sleep with someone else, but I have integrity so I want to tell you first.”

Am I living in a fantasy world to think this can actually happen?

As I sit here stewing on my Jr. High revelation from 30 years ago I realize that I may have been onto something. Maybe they do just let us all down sometime.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Dating, Divorce

Why I Don’t Regret Sleeping Around So Soon After My Separation

I slept with 3 different men within 3 months after separating from my husband. Am I proud of this fact? No I’m not. Would I do it over again if I could? Yes, I would and here’s why.

1. I was in a loveless marriage for a long time. And since I didn’t love my husband I never wanted to have sex with him. I would do it, however, just to get him off my back (no pun intended) so he would stop pestering me. The sex sucked. I would lie there as he’s pounding away thinking of all the housework I needed to get done, what I needed to do at work the next day and go over things I needed to get at the grocery store.

All I could think was “please cum and get this over with so I can get back to my day.” Now some of you may think I’m should have tried more, and I did. I told him more times than I can count that in order for me to be sexually stimulated, I needed to first be mentally stimulated. These were my asks:  compliment me, tell me I’m pretty once in a while like you used to. Write me a hand written note like you used to.  (A sticky note would even do the trick).  Have a deep, meaningful conversation with me, one that I can tell you are generally interested in what I have to say. Rub my back and not expect anything after. I wasn’t asking for much in my opinion, but even going to counseling couldn’t get him to do these things. The most ironic thing: nothing I asked for cost a penny. Not one penny!

2. I thought for many years that I had lost my sex drive. I figured that since I hit 40 it must just be par for the course. Well, after having sex with someone after only being with my husband for 9 years I soon realized that was not the case at all. I hadn’t lost my sex drive; I just never wanted to fuck my husband!

3. The first man I slept with liberated me. Since my ex had been having an affair the last year and a half of our marriage, my little rendezvous felt like a big fat big “fuck you” to my cheating ex-husband. It was as if I was a bratty kid sticking my tongue out at someone on the playground. Two can play at this game, buddy. Childish? Yes, but at the time, I was still raw from recently learning about his affair. I was not in a good place mentally.

4. It felt good to be wanted and I needed that. The 3rd and final man I slept with had a lot of issues that I chose not to see at the time. Narcissist is at the top of the list, but that’s for another blog. However, the sex with this man was hot! It was the kind of wild, freaky sex that I don’t think many people have after being married for so long. I felt sexy, I felt free and I felt liberated to wave my freak flag in the sack. I didn’t feel like a 42-year-old divorcee with a 5-year-old. I felt like a sexy diva who liked to get down and dirty. And that felt good!

It’s been 8 LONG months since I’ve had sex, and I discovered during my ho- bag phase,  that for me,  I can’t have casual sex.  I get too emotionally attached.  So, as part of my own healing I have stayed away from men and dating, and I decided to date myself.  At least, I know I still got it and when I am ready to get out there again, this mama will be ready to let loose and wave my freak flag once again.

Divorce, Life

You Take Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

You know that saying “You take 2 steps forward and 1 step back?” Well, that saying is a perfect analogy to describe how the divorce grieving process has been for me. It’s been one full year since my ex and I separated, and 9 months since we were officially divorced. The first 6 months were spent crying, yelling, drinking too much, not eating enough, sleeping with a few men and trying my best to be a present mother to my only child, while also working full time. The only words I can think to describe myself are stressed out wreck living on auto pilot.

The second half of the year I spent picking up the pieces of my shattered self, trying to navigate and
recreate a new normal for my daughter and me. I did this by watching Ted talks, most notably “The Person You really need to marry” by Tracy McMillan and “The power of vulnerability” by Brene Brown, which started the theme of my new year: marry myself and live a life being vulnerable. I’ve had some really good days where I feel like I’m finally getting it together and I’m starting to get the old me back.

You see, I really lost myself in my marriage. I was not the perfect wife, but my ex was a micro manager who would nit-pick everything I did. He was also a terrible listener who would either not say a word after I talk to him, or he would interrupt me mid-sentence. After 9 years of this, my self-esteem took a major hit and I felt that I wasn’t important and that anything I had to say must not be very interesting. I became a shell of a human being.

As I step outside and reflect on my marriage I know that I do need to take ownership for some of the way my ex’s behavior affected me. I obviously was lacking in self-esteem or I would have stuck up for myself more often, and I did in the beginning. But after years of telling someone what you want and need from them and in return them not giving it to you, you begin to really believe that it’s YOU that’s the problem. That is such a horrible place to be emotionally.

I would say that up until last month I was feeling the best I have felt in years. My confidence was back. I felt more at ease, really opening up to those I spent time with.  I was hiking which was something I hadn’t done but had always talked about doing. I even went on a solo hike which was huge for me. I began to volunteer with the homeless which is something that is near and dear to my heart. Things were really falling into place.

But now I’m in a place of taking that one step back. I am second guessing myself, losing confidence in just about every aspect of my life.

As I write this blog I’m looking at my vision board I just make last week which has so many positive words and goals I have for myself. “Happy Girl”, “Do it yourself”, “Unstoppable You.” I even have Brene Brown’s definition of Wholeheartedness:

“There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.”

Why do I not feel I am enough? I can even hear that little voice whispering it to me as I second guess everything I say and do lately. Why are we always our own worst critic?

I know that this is a phase and I am not giving up, especially knowing how far I’ve come. But, like most people, especially us that live in the USA, we want instant gratification. We know what we want and we want it NOW.

I guess my only option is to patiently wait to take those two steps forward again.

Is it too much to ask that they begin sooner than later?

 

Divorce, Grief, Holidays

December, why oh why do you hate me so much?

Oh December, why do you hate me so much? Thirty years ago you decided that December 20th would be a great day for my 39 year old mother to die, leaving a 12 year old pre-pubescent seventh grader with buck teeth and a mullet left to figure out life on her own.  Fast forward 29 years and you decide that December 27th would be a fantastic time for my husband’s mistress to call me to let me know about their year and a half long affair. Why, why must you hurt me so?

I have hated the holidays ever since that fateful December day in 1985, when my family decided that even though my 39 year old mother’s funeral was on December 23rd we should move on like business as usual and celebrate Christmas Eve as we had in years pass by eating an amazing meal my Aunt would cook and all the adults would drink too much while all of us kids waiting eagerly for the large sum of money waiting for us in a card from our generous Aunt. I remember that particular Christmas Eve as if I was watching it from a dream. I was 12 years old, and my life as I had known had been turned upside down.  Everyone was acting as if nothing had happened even though just the day before they had attended my mom, their Aunt’s, their daughter’s, their wife’s funeral. But, that’s pretty typical of my family and so many others. If you don’t talk about your hurt/anger/frustration it’ll magically go away. Isn’t that how it works? Not so much.

It’s three days before Christmas and I’m STILL waiting to get into the Christmas spirit. But, having a six year old little girl who loves this time of year means that I need to suck it up and put on my happy face. I am so grateful that in the first holiday season since my divorce I get to spend it with my daughter. I am not sure how I would have survived this holiday alone. But, I don’t know how I’m going to survive next year, or the next. It seems that no matter how great my life is, as soon as December hits all I want to do is lay in bed, pull the covers over my head and not get out until January 1st. EVERY. SINGLE. YEAR.  I have self-diagnosed myself as having PTSD. I believe that as soon as December hits I morph into a confused, naïve, shy twelve year old girl who’s life is about to change the course forever.

I feel guilty when so many people are gushing and shouting from the rooftop how magical this holiday season is. I feel like a scrooge and I want to tell these people to fuck off. I can’t even muster up the energy to listen to Christmas songs in my car. I bit the bullet one day while my daughter and I were in the car and I asked her if she wanted to listen to any Christmas songs and by the grace of God she didn’t want to.

Whew, got out of that one.

What’s strange is that as miserable as I have felt all month, on the actual anniversary of my mother’s passing, I didn’t feel anything. Nothing! And this was the 30th year she has not been in my life. Isn’t that weird?

I  guess the beauty of life is that in order to truly enjoy the good moments, we need the bad in order to feel true happiness and be grateful for those amazing moments.  As I have come to realize life is a roller coaster. And when push comes to shove, I’ll take the bad because I know how good the good can be.

Divorce, Holidays

Here’s what my REAL and Honest Christmas letter would say

My girlfriend and I were chatting about Christmas cards, and I made a comment about how it would be so funny if with along with my Christmas card I include one of those letters that some people do to highlight what has been going on the past year. You know it’s usually all fun and fluff, “John got a promotion, and I started teaching yoga part time to get me out of the house while the kids are at school. Speaking of kids, Johnny got straight A’s all year!!! Molly made the varsity cheerleading squad.”

You get where I’m going. These letters are similar to most people’s Facebook pages. Only the good stuff gets shared.

Here is my REAL Christmas letter.

Hello Friends and Family,

Boy, I can’t believe 2015 is almost over. What a year it’s been! Where to start… Last year on December 27th, I got a call from Brad’s mistress whom he’d been having a year and a half long affair with. Ya, to say I was shocked was a bit of an understatement. I got to meet this gal in person because apparently a phone call wasn’t enough, so she had to come to my house as well. She knew right where we lived since she would come over a couple times a week while I was at work and do what people do when they’re having an affair.

They met on the married dating site ashlemadison.com. I’m sure you’ve heard of this website as they were everywhere on the news because their database had gotten hacked and most of the member’s names were getting revealed. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a couple more letters like mine next year.

On a positive note, we got an offer on our house one week after putting it on the market. I was very relieved because Brad and I lived in the same house for the month of January until I finally found a place to live. Separate bedrooms of course. No tension in that house or anything. He did spend a couple weekends at his new girlfriend’s house during this time which was a nice and well needed break from him.

A couple days after I found out about the affair my friend took Anna out to dinner so Brad and I could discuss the division of our possessions. Things got a little heated, I slapped him, he called the cops and I got arrested and had to spend the night in the slammer. Thank goodness Brad didn’t press charges. What a sweetheart!

Oh, and during this time I had started a new position at my company which was 3 pay grades higher than my previous job. This job was more demanding and important people within my company would now have their eyes on me. I’m not sure if you’ve ever trained for a new job on a diet of  bananas and wine, but I can attest it’s not a good idea.  Somehow I managed to survive and I still have my job. Whew!

I filed for divorce about a week after I found out about Brad’s affair. After I filed for divorce Brad tried to accuse me of being an unfit mother and was also trying to get shared custody of Anna so he wouldn’t have to pay as much child support. Again, what a sweetheart. We finally got everything ironed out and we were divorced on April 24th, 2015. What a great day that was! I went back to my maiden name and couldn’t be happier to start my new life.

On the bright side, Anna and I moved to a beautiful neighborhood with really nice neighbors and a lot of kids.

And yes, Brad is still with his Ashley Madison babe. Boy, are they a pair. Anna was not allowed to be around her for the first 6 months after divorce was final because she is such a nut. Brad sure does love her though. I’m sure a wedding announcement should be fast coming.

2015 sure was quite the year! I’m hoping next year is a bit calmer and not as dramatic. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Cheers to 2016!

Dating, Life

I Wonder If a Leopard Really Can Change Its Spots?

I was reading an article written with a similar title and the message was loud and clear that NO a leopard can NOT change its spots. In other words, dead beats, assholes, cheaters, sociopaths, and narcissistic humans can NOT change.

I agree 100% that those types of people cannot and will not change. I believe whole heartedly that “normal” (hate that word, what is normal anyway?) can and do change all the time. I know that for myself, I try to change a little every day with the hope the change is a positive one.

For some reason, even though I wasn’t in love with my husband for the last few years of our marriage I still get bothered that he is still with his mistress. I have conjured up this vision of the two of them madly in love, taking in each word the other says, having hot sex every day.  But, and there’s a big but, I then come back to reality and remind myself that these are two severely damaged individuals, who met on a dating site specifically for married men and women to have an affair. Why do I think these two will ride off into the sunset madly in love for the next 50 years?

Why do I have some delusional notion that my ex will become this perfect man who’s giving, thoughtful, a good listener, and all around great guy? Perhaps because that is who he was when I first met him. I never in a million years thought he would do what he did to our family. Now, I truly believe he was a dirt bag all along and maybe for a few years tried to be good, but a person with sociopathic tendencies just can’t change for the long haul.

When I go to that place where I feel insecure and jealous that he has someone and I don’t, I have to remind myself that I didn’t want to be with him when I was married to him, why do I care who he’s with now?

I do know if that this lucky lady gets a man that has been married 3 times, has 2 baby mamas, has horrible listening skills who will either not respond to what someone else talks to him about, or rudely interrupts mid-sentence. This is a person who micro manages their partner’s every move. What pot to use when cooking dinner, how to load a dishwasher properly, and what weekend activities he will agree to partake in. And the best is that this lucky lady gets to have a partner who is a compulsive liar who I’m sure is feeding her a bunch of bullshit about how she will be lucky wife #4 and offering her visions of riding off into the sunset.

What does my ex get in return? A partner who used to be morbidly obese, has major self-esteem issues, had cyber stalked me all throughout their affair, cusses in front of and at her kids (according to my ex), not to mention  is really, really ugly. (I’m not just saying that, everyone I know who has either seen her in person or seen a pic has agreed.) This is a woman who, according to our divorce decree can have zero overnight visits when my daughter is around. Before that there was a 6 month stipulation that she was to have zero contact with my daughter.

So, I would have to say that karma is unfolding as it always does…..Just being together is their karma. They both actually deserve one another.   I’m going to sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the implosion.