Life

My Two Year Check Up

I’ve been neglecting my blog for way too long. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to write, it’s because I’ve had too much to write and I guess you could say that I got overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. But today is the day I have decided to write it all down. Lucky you,  my faithful readers! LOL!

I’ll start with my feelings as I quickly approach the 2 year mark of my divorce being final.  I am not exactly where I want to be emotionally, but I have come a long way. And that is something I need to remind myself of when I am too hard on myself.

I can truthfully say that I am almost to the “Meh” phase when I think about my ex, deal with my ex and look at my ex. I don’t think I will ever like my ex, and I know I will never respect him.  I am at the point that after he opens his mouth and tries to have his every annoying friendly chit chat with me I am reminded about all the reasons I was so miserable in my marriage. I don’t miss a God damn thing about that man and that I can say with 100% honesty. He’s still with fugly and all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of their dysfunctional “relationship.” He has zero friends, isn’t close with his family, and so therefore uses her for company. She thinks he walks on water and is so insecure she will take whatever she can get from him, so she accepts the tiny little kibbles he throws her way. Their relationship actually makes me sick to be honest. Two severely dysfunctional people trying to fill their emotional holes with each other’s insecurity. Chew on that for a few minutes. All I can say is GROSS. She can have his lying, cheating ass for as long as she wants. I am forever done with that POS.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I reflect on my own self-discovery and on a good day I realize how far I’ve come. I am not even the same woman I was when I was in my marriage. I have stepped outside my comfy box of contentment so many times; it’s actually becoming more of a habit. I started this blog; I am hiking mountains that two years ago would have put me in the hospital from exhaustion. I’m volunteering on a regular basis, where I have met so many new friends. I have a good life. I really do.

And here’s where I get real and really lay it out there. I struggle, and I have struggled a lot lately with my depression. I’ve suffered from this for years off and on and realistically I think it started after my mom died over 30 years ago. But it wasn’t until after I had my daughter that I started taking medication. The medication helps, but that damn black cloud of despair still rears its ugly head from time to time and the past few months that black cloud hasn’t gone away. I think a lot has to do with the weather here. I don’t remember having such a grey and gloomy winter in years. This year has been bad. I had my yearly physical a couple weeks ago and my doc upped the dosage on my happy pills and I started taking vitamin D, which I think is helping. I am starting to see my way out of the fog.

I’m exercising on a regular basis, which is the first time if my life I can say that. I exercise for my mental state now, as much as I want to tone up my body.  I guess you could say that exercise is keeping me sane.

There are days that I miss my dad so much it physically hurts. I cry during random times and even had to leave work early a few weeks ago because I couldn’t stop crying. Grief is funny that way. It sneaks up on you and most times it’s at a moment you didn’t see coming.

I am starting to accept the fact that I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to have days that I don’t want to get out of bed or I want to cry all day because I miss my dad. I can have those days. And I am no longer going to feel guilty when I do.

I also have good days. I will never take those good days for granted. I start each day with a grateful heart and remind myself of all the wonderful things I am so fortunate to have in my life. So many things that we tend to take for granted during our normal, mundane life. I have a roof over my head, I have all of my limbs, I’m healthy, my daughter is healthy, and a really awesome kid to boot. I have friends, a lot of friends that I am eternally grateful for.

Even on those not so good days, I’m eternally grateful to be here breathing and alive to take it all in.

 

 

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Life

What This Past Year Has Taught Me About Life

As 2016 comes to a close many of us take time to reflect on the current year and some of us make New Year’s resolutions for the next year that more than likely will last through the first week or two of January.

I for one am not a huge New Year resolution person. I like to continue on my life path year after year.  This consists of improving upon my self-acceptance, and to give more selflessly each year to others.  Sometimes I may add in a tid bit here and there; step out of my comfort zone more, go on a solo vacation and/or solo back packing trip, volunteer more.

This year has not been kind to me. In fact, the past two years have been my hardest years I’ve had in a really long time. In 2015 I found out about my now ex-husband’s affair, which could parallel a Jerry Springer episode. (Ashley Madison mistress, fucking in marital bed while I was working, introducing my daughter to said mistress while we were still married)  And that is just the tip of the ice burg. This  year my beloved dad, the only parent I have had the past 30 years died two months after getting diagnosed with cancer.

While I was going through my divorce I read somewhere that divorce is the second most traumatic event one can go through behind the death of a loved one. So just to sum things up, I went through the two of the worst things that can happen to someone two years in a row.

What has helped me the past two years has been my amazing support system. My family and friends have been there for me when I was at my lowest of lows, and I will forever be grateful. Starting this blog has also helped.  I had wanted to start one for many years and after my separation I figured there was no better time than to lay it all out there for thousands of people to read. I was amazed at how many people related to my story and commented how they too felt like I had at one time or another. In times of sorrow and despair it helps more than I ever realized to know that you’re not alone. It was validation that no, I wasn’t crazy.  I was grieving and doing what I had to in order to survive the day.

I have spent the last year dating myself and getting to know the new me. I got myself a therapist, and have done a ton of self-work in the process. I’m getting closer and closer to where I want and need to be.

What has helped me the most through this year is living a life of gratitude. That has actually been what has saved me through this giant sad and tragic ordeal. Every morning when I wake up I thank God that I woke up. As hard, shitty and unfair life is sometimes, I still want to be a part of it. Because there is other days when life is good, people are kind and there is love to feel and reciprocate. I am grateful that I have my health. I read horrible stories on social media about too many lives cut short due to cancer and other unfathomable diseases. I always say that as long as I have my health, everything else is just gravy.

My dad was the most positive person I have known. Everyone loved my dad and I mean everyone. We didn’t have enough chairs at his Celebration of Life because so many people showed up to pay their respects. As young as I can remember my dad always instilled positive values to my sister and I. Growing up my dad would always tell me after I would say I couldn’t do something that there is no such word at can’t. He would tell me that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up, that our minds were more powerful than we realized and with a positive attitude and visualization of what I wanted, I could achieve.

He lived with those philosophies his entire life. But, he still died 2 months after getting diagnosed with cancer.

I was pissed! His positive attitude didn’t get him out of this. Yet I know firsthand of people that don’t appreciate life and have a bad attitude that have beat the odds when it came to their health and they are still around. What the hell?!

My rose colored glasses were gone. I had moments where I doubted living a positive life even mattered in the grand scheme of things. Shitty things just sometimes happen to us no matter how we choose to live our lives. Good or bad.

But, I had an epiphany the other day. Even though shitty things happen to good people all the time, I’m still going to live my life with a glass half full attitude. Even if my life is cut short or something else bad happens, at least I’ll have been a joyful person while still here.

And that my friend is what I’ll take into 2017. You always have to look on the bright side, even when life doesn’t seem too bright. Count what blessings you have, because I can bet you have more than you realize.

Divorce, Grief, Life

What Being In Therapy Has Taught Me About Life

Today I made the difficult but right decision to let my therapist know that I would not be coming back after today.  The last 6 months with her have been so helpful and empowering. She gave me tools that I will use forever to succeed in my journey of healing and self-discovery.

This decision also makes me a little sad. I really like my therapist. We just “clicked.” If I would have met her randomly at a party I would immediately like her. I could tell she really “got” me and what I was going through because low and behold she had gone through the same thing! I think it was fate that I found her when I did. Every single time I walked out of her office I felt lighter, refreshed and ready to take on what life was ready to throw my way.

I’ve been to therapy many times in my life, but never for very long. After a few sessions I felt I got what I needed or didn’t get anything at all so I would stop going. The last time I was in therapy was with my now ex-husband. He was in the midst of his affair, but forgot to mention said affair while we were in counseling. But, that’s water under the bridge and I have moved on. For the most part anyway.

Here are a few things the last six months of therapy have taught me.

  1. When on a journey of healing from a painful divorce and dealing with the residual anger that comes with that experience, be easy on yourself. You’re going to fuck up and go to crazy town once in a while. And that is ok! You just want your visits to crazy town to become further and further apart until eventually you never have to visit that place again.
  2. Self-healing is a lot like training for a marathon. You can’t go from chip loving, pizza loving couch potato to running a marathon in one day, just as you can’t go from damaged and angry to peaceful and loving in one day. It takes time, work and reconditioning to get where you need to be. Whether it is physically or emotionally. When I get mad at myself because I fucked up and behaved in a way I shouldn’t have I remind myself of this. You can’t go to the gym one time and walk out with six pack abs. Boy would that be nice though.
  3. Life is hard. Really hard. For all of us. We are all fighting or have fought battles in our life that we wish we wouldn’t have. Therapy is something that I think is still taboo and people are afraid to talk about.  Therapy has been a life saver for me. Truly. It has been worth every single penny. I think everyone should have a therapist just as everyone should have a primary care physician or a dentist. Mental health care is just as important.

The last few weeks have been the best I’ve had as far as talking myself off the ledge when I start to think about my ex and what he did. A year and a half ago I would text and/or call him and berate him, scream and cuss at him all day long. Now I remind myself of all the reasons I’m so happy we are no longer together.  This replaces my need to go harry carry on him. A few of those reasons are:

  • I live in a house where I no longer have to walk on egg shells.
  • My stomach doesn’t turn when I hear the garage door opening knowing that he is home.
  • I don’t worry about getting micro managed in the kitchen and being told what pot to use to boil water, or god forbid how to properly load a dishwasher. I now get giddy when I turn on a half full dishwasher. Why? Because I can, damn it!
  • I spontaneously decide what to have for dinner each night instead of having meals pre-planned. God forbid we go out to eat when it’s taco night! No more of that. If I thaw out chicken in the morning but get a hankering for Thai food. Guess what? Thai food it is!
  • I no longer have to deal with a fuddy duddy who never wanted to go anywhere unless it was within a 5 mile radius of the house. I can do what I want, when I want and don’t have to deal with a wet blanket while doing so.
  • My daughter now has a happy Mom who is redefining herself every day. And that is a beautiful thing.

 

My journey is not over, not by a long shot. I will keep working on my healing and self-discovery until the day I die. I now have the tools in place and the mind set I need to keep trudging on no matter what life throws my way. I have my therapist to thank for that.

 

 

Divorce, Grief, Life

When Can I Have That Breakdown I So Desperately Deserve?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“When Life serves you lemons, make lemonade.”

“The glass is always half full.”

These fluffy, positive life sentiments are my life mottos. Or perhaps I should say was my life mottos.

I’m getting a little jaded as I get older. Life just sucks sometimes and life can be really unfair.

In the span of a year and a half I found out that the loving, sweet, poem writing, compliment giving husband I married was actually a sociopathic, cheating liar.

In May of this year my upbeat, always optimistic, happy, always smiling dad got diagnosed with Lymphoma and died two months later.

An ex-boyfriend I loved so madly and deeply at one point in my life many moons ago suddenly reappeared and just as quickly left my life once again.

Sometimes an ubur positive, living a life of gratitude woman can only take so much before she’s ready to have a breakdown. That someone is me.

I have always loved life and always looked on the bright side of every situation, no matter what was thrown my way.  Before my divorce and death of my father, I had been through a lot of setbacks and heart ache. My mom died when I was 12, I’ve had my heart broken by ex-boyfriends. Like really heart broken. Like five years to get over heart broken. I’ve been dirt poor more years than I haven’t been dirt poor. I’ve always had self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy.

But still, I managed to pick myself up and live my life. Live a life full of joy. People always compliment my smile and say that I smile a lot. Well, truth be told that smile as of late is fake.

Melissa Etheridge has a song called Breakdown, which is my theme song that is constantly playing in my always “on” brain.

When in life do we just have to surrender and say “enough is enough?”

I think as women we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders because we have so many people depending on us. This could be our kids, our spouse, our boss, or friends. I was talking to my therapist and I told her that I feel like I’ve been holding up this brick wall for so long, that right now my arms are shaking so bad that I’m about ready to let that wall fall down and crumble right before me.

How do I exercise that muscle so I can continue to hold that wall? Or do I need the wall to crash, so I don’t need a wall to hold onto at all?

I do know this. I have a little person depending on me. She needs me as much as I need her. I may have given birth to my daughter but she has actually saved my life. If it weren’t for her I probably would have drank myself to death after I found out about my husband’s affair. I would have not been able to find the strength to move on and find help to rebuild my life. It was because of her that I did find help and work on rebuilding our new life together. A life that up until a couple months ago was a good life. A life of love, peace and laughter. The death of a love one will put a damper on the peace and laughter, at least for a while.

As they say, “The show must go on.” But there are times that I just want to close the curtain and call it a day.

I don’t know if that will happen. I’m too busy living my life to have the nervous breakdown I so desperately want and deserve to have.

Ladies, I want you to know that it’s ok to be weak once in a while. It’s ok to cry and not want to get out of bed in the morning. There are a lot of us out there, but some too proud to admit.

I am one of those proud that is finally ready to admit it.

Divorce, Life

Is Single Life Really The New Boogy Man?

I’ve come to a realization that I am a rarity within my female gender.

I don’t feel like I need a relationship, a man, a warm body to “complete” me or to make me feel happier about myself.  Lately I have come across a multitude of women who choose to either stay in very dysfunctional relationships or jump into one relationship to the next because they are so damn scared of being alone.

This really, really pisses me off! Why do so many amazing, beautiful, talented women feel that in order to be whole that they must be partnered up to do so? Does having a warm body next to you really makes you feel that much better even if that warm body drinks too much, verbally abuses you, lies to you and cheats on you?  Why would anyone in their right mind choose this relationship over the “dreaded” single life?

I know that love is complicated and that both men and women are complex individuals, but why does it seem that I am the minority as I try to work on myself alone, without that warm body?

I need to find out why in the past I have always picked the dysfunctional men who have drinking problems, sex addictions, and the men who feel that habitual lying is a part of life and is ok to do on a daily basis.

As I step back and look at my past relationships I can see a pattern, and it’s not good.

I admit that I am very fortunate to have a tribe of many friends and family that love me and have been there for me whenever I have needed them. Especially during this past year of transition from family of 4 to breadwinner divorced single mom. Which by the way scares me to death to know that it’s me and only me that is responsible to raise my child and give her the life that is better than the one I had growing up. One of my biggest fears is that the day she turns 18 her first phone call with be to a therapist because I screwed up so badly during the prior 18 years.

I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the imminent future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.

What makes me so sad is that many of these women who choose to remain in dysfunctional relationships are modeling what relationships look like to their children. This then starts the whole dysfunctional process all over again with a new generation.

What is the answer? How can I help my fellow sisters realize that being single isn’t a bad thing? Why is being alone so scary? Do these women despise themselves so much that being alone reminds them of how much work they have to do in order to get where they know they need to be?

This process I’m in of self-discovery is not easy. There are days that I want to lay in bed, pull the covers over my face and stay there for weeks on end. But, I can’t. I have to face life and my inner demons head on in order to find peace within myself.  I am doing this work not only for me, but for the love of my life; my daughter. I want her to know that she doesn’t need a handsome prince to come save her when life breaks her down. What she needs is herself. That is all she will ever need. And maybe her mom.

Dating, Divorce, Life

Do they all really let us down sometimes?

When I was in Jr. High many years ago, my friend and I made up a little acronym- G.A.S. and it stood for “Guys are Shit” and our slogan was “They all let you down sometime.” We even had a man haters “club.” I was proudly the president of said club and my friend was fine being nominated as Vice President. What’s funny about this is that I can barely remember what I did last weekend, but I remember this part of my childhood as if it happened yesterday.

I’ve always loved love. I am a sucker for any romantic comedy and I always love when the outcast geeky girl ends up with the hot, popular jock. Think Molly Ringwald in the classic 80’s movie “Pretty in Pink.”  I had many daydreams as a geeky pre-teen that the amazing popular boy would fall madly in love with me and we would be sitting on my dining room table in front of a birthday cake getting ready to make out. Think the other 80’s classic “Sixteen Candles.” Pretty much every girl who grew up in the 80’s wanted to date Jake Ryan.

What I find sad is that in my 40’s I’m ready to return to my old position of President of the  man hater’s club and I find myself reverting back to that saying I made up when I was barely a teenager. In the last year my life I have been witness to the following:

  • A husband who had an affair with a woman he met on Ashlemadison.com. This woman would come to my house on a regular basis for a year and a half while I was at work and have sex with my husband in my bed. I was completely blindsided because I would have bet anyone that my husband would never cheat on me. I never ever thought he was the type. Lesson Learned.
  • One of my best friend’s long term boyfriend of 5 plus years cheated on her with someone young enough to be his daughter (she’s legal age, but barely) AND has proof that he also likes to give blow jobs to men who are living as women.
  • A new friend I met through my daughter’s school friend has been with her partner for 13 years and he has cheated on her the past 2 years off and on with the same woman. This man can’t decide who he loves and is stringing both women along. He treats my friend like shit, verbally abusing her and drinking all day long as she pays all the bills. It’s actually quite pathetic.
  • I joined a private online support group for divorced moms and I had to leave the group within a week because all of the stories were so depressing. A woman who was married for 30 years was left out of a blue for a man. More than one woman was married for 20+ yeas and their husbands pretty much woke up one day and decided they didn’t want to be married any longer. Another woman was 7 months pregnant when she found out about her husband’s affair. The list goes on and on.
  • A guy I briefly dated about 9 months ago who I met online still has his profile up and is now lying about his age. I realize this seems mild compared to infidelity and betrayal, but I can’t stand liars, especially since I was married to one for 8 years.

 

What the fuck has happened to good old fashion honesty?

I was miserable in my marriage and would dream about having an affair all the time, but I just couldn’t do it because the guilt would have been too much. If my ex and I would have decided to cut our losses a few years ago, we could have remained friends and co parented our daughter in harmony. But now, I hate his guts and can barely look at him. Sometimes I can’t.

Why can’t we all just be honest when a relationship isn’t working? Breaking up is going to hurt no matter how it happens, but it can soften the blow a little if you keep betrayal out of it.

Remember the saying “He’s just not that into you” made popular from one of my favorite shows, “Sex and the City?” Can’t we make this universal and just end it with “You know what, it was fun I did love you at one point, but you know what I’m just not that into you anymore and I feel the urge to sleep with someone else, but I have integrity so I want to tell you first.”

Am I living in a fantasy world to think this can actually happen?

As I sit here stewing on my Jr. High revelation from 30 years ago I realize that I may have been onto something. Maybe they do just let us all down sometime.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Divorce, Life

You Take Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

You know that saying “You take 2 steps forward and 1 step back?” Well, that saying is a perfect analogy to describe how the divorce grieving process has been for me. It’s been one full year since my ex and I separated, and 9 months since we were officially divorced. The first 6 months were spent crying, yelling, drinking too much, not eating enough, sleeping with a few men and trying my best to be a present mother to my only child, while also working full time. The only words I can think to describe myself are stressed out wreck living on auto pilot.

The second half of the year I spent picking up the pieces of my shattered self, trying to navigate and
recreate a new normal for my daughter and me. I did this by watching Ted talks, most notably “The Person You really need to marry” by Tracy McMillan and “The power of vulnerability” by Brene Brown, which started the theme of my new year: marry myself and live a life being vulnerable. I’ve had some really good days where I feel like I’m finally getting it together and I’m starting to get the old me back.

You see, I really lost myself in my marriage. I was not the perfect wife, but my ex was a micro manager who would nit-pick everything I did. He was also a terrible listener who would either not say a word after I talk to him, or he would interrupt me mid-sentence. After 9 years of this, my self-esteem took a major hit and I felt that I wasn’t important and that anything I had to say must not be very interesting. I became a shell of a human being.

As I step outside and reflect on my marriage I know that I do need to take ownership for some of the way my ex’s behavior affected me. I obviously was lacking in self-esteem or I would have stuck up for myself more often, and I did in the beginning. But after years of telling someone what you want and need from them and in return them not giving it to you, you begin to really believe that it’s YOU that’s the problem. That is such a horrible place to be emotionally.

I would say that up until last month I was feeling the best I have felt in years. My confidence was back. I felt more at ease, really opening up to those I spent time with.  I was hiking which was something I hadn’t done but had always talked about doing. I even went on a solo hike which was huge for me. I began to volunteer with the homeless which is something that is near and dear to my heart. Things were really falling into place.

But now I’m in a place of taking that one step back. I am second guessing myself, losing confidence in just about every aspect of my life.

As I write this blog I’m looking at my vision board I just make last week which has so many positive words and goals I have for myself. “Happy Girl”, “Do it yourself”, “Unstoppable You.” I even have Brene Brown’s definition of Wholeheartedness:

“There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.”

Why do I not feel I am enough? I can even hear that little voice whispering it to me as I second guess everything I say and do lately. Why are we always our own worst critic?

I know that this is a phase and I am not giving up, especially knowing how far I’ve come. But, like most people, especially us that live in the USA, we want instant gratification. We know what we want and we want it NOW.

I guess my only option is to patiently wait to take those two steps forward again.

Is it too much to ask that they begin sooner than later?

 

Dating, Life

I Wonder If a Leopard Really Can Change Its Spots?

I was reading an article written with a similar title and the message was loud and clear that NO a leopard can NOT change its spots. In other words, dead beats, assholes, cheaters, sociopaths, and narcissistic humans can NOT change.

I agree 100% that those types of people cannot and will not change. I believe whole heartedly that “normal” (hate that word, what is normal anyway?) can and do change all the time. I know that for myself, I try to change a little every day with the hope the change is a positive one.

For some reason, even though I wasn’t in love with my husband for the last few years of our marriage I still get bothered that he is still with his mistress. I have conjured up this vision of the two of them madly in love, taking in each word the other says, having hot sex every day.  But, and there’s a big but, I then come back to reality and remind myself that these are two severely damaged individuals, who met on a dating site specifically for married men and women to have an affair. Why do I think these two will ride off into the sunset madly in love for the next 50 years?

Why do I have some delusional notion that my ex will become this perfect man who’s giving, thoughtful, a good listener, and all around great guy? Perhaps because that is who he was when I first met him. I never in a million years thought he would do what he did to our family. Now, I truly believe he was a dirt bag all along and maybe for a few years tried to be good, but a person with sociopathic tendencies just can’t change for the long haul.

When I go to that place where I feel insecure and jealous that he has someone and I don’t, I have to remind myself that I didn’t want to be with him when I was married to him, why do I care who he’s with now?

I do know if that this lucky lady gets a man that has been married 3 times, has 2 baby mamas, has horrible listening skills who will either not respond to what someone else talks to him about, or rudely interrupts mid-sentence. This is a person who micro manages their partner’s every move. What pot to use when cooking dinner, how to load a dishwasher properly, and what weekend activities he will agree to partake in. And the best is that this lucky lady gets to have a partner who is a compulsive liar who I’m sure is feeding her a bunch of bullshit about how she will be lucky wife #4 and offering her visions of riding off into the sunset.

What does my ex get in return? A partner who used to be morbidly obese, has major self-esteem issues, had cyber stalked me all throughout their affair, cusses in front of and at her kids (according to my ex), not to mention  is really, really ugly. (I’m not just saying that, everyone I know who has either seen her in person or seen a pic has agreed.) This is a woman who, according to our divorce decree can have zero overnight visits when my daughter is around. Before that there was a 6 month stipulation that she was to have zero contact with my daughter.

So, I would have to say that karma is unfolding as it always does…..Just being together is their karma. They both actually deserve one another.   I’m going to sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the implosion.

Divorce, Grief, Life

My Husband’s Affair Was The Best Thing To Happen To Me

Yes, I know that sounds strange, but here’s the deal…I was very unhappy in my marriage. Miserable is another word that could be used to describe how I felt.  I was so unhappy that my unhappiness consumed me 24/7. I would spend all my time trying to convince myself that no, I hadn’t fallen out of love with my husband; it was just a rough patch that all marriages go through.

I would lie in bed every night telling myself that in 13 years when my daughter would turn 18 that I could finally leave and be happy. My husband and I had talked about getting a divorce a couple of times and inevitably I would chicken out and tell my husband that I didn’t want to go through with it.

The reason was that I had so much guilt about ripping our family apart and having to tell my daughter that the reason she has two homes is because Mommy was bored. I had also helped raise my stepson from the age of 4-12, and he was at the age that our divorce would really impact him and not in a good way. He and I had a great relationship and both loved each other.

My husband and I tried marriage counseling, but that didn’t help either. We didn’t have a friendship, and to be honest, my husband bored me to tears. He had no friends and only had one interest, which were sports. We spent most of our free time on the couch vegging in front of the TV. Not a healthy or productive marriage to say the least.

It was December 27th, 2014 when I got the call from my husband’s mistress whom he met on ashleymadison.com to let me know about their year and a half long affair. She proceeded to tell me that they would fuck in my bed while I was at work; she spent the weekend at my house when I was out of town attending my aunt’s funeral. She spent a week at my house when my daughter and I were visiting my sister in California.

The kicker was that she had met my daughter!!!  Ya, that’s right! My husband was dumb enough to have his mistress meet up at a park with my daughter and her daughter for a playdate.

Once I heard all of this, as heartbroken and pissed off as I was I realized that this was my “get out of my marriage guilt free” card. I made my husband stay in a hotel the night I found out about the affair and I moved out of our family home a month after.

Our divorce was final 3 ½ months later. It has now been 10 months since the bomb hit. I am happier than I have been in many years. I don’t have someone micromanaging my every move, telling me what pot to use to boil water, how to load a dishwasher and what we were having for dinner every night.

I still have days of sadness and anger, but those are dwindling as time goes on. I have forgiven him, not for him but for myself. Every day I try to find ways to better myself spiritually, emotionally and physically. My goal in life is to be the best mom, person, friend, sister, daughter that I can be.

My ex?

He’s still with his ashleymadison lover living in their complete dysfunction. I’ve yet to get an apology from him, but that’s ok. In hindsight he did me a favor, I am now living the life I so badly wanted 13 years before I ever thought I could.