Dating, Love

Wanted: A Part Time Monogamous Boyfriend

Recently, two different girlfriends who are both in long term marriages have told me that sometimes they really envy my life.

Since getting divorced almost a year and a half ago, I am able to pretty much do what I want, when I want. Now, this is not necessarily the case when I have my daughter, but when she’s at her dad’s every Tuesday night and every other weekend I have eight days every month to do whatever the hell I want. And I LOVE that. I really do.

I can go meet friends, go hiking, volunteer, or even do absolutely nothing!!! Which, truth be told I have been known to do from time to time. It’s me, my couch and usually some true crime show either that I have on my DVR or that I’ve found on the ID channel. I am a classic introvert and need “me” time in order to function. I am fortunate that as a single divorced mom I do get that.

I really do have a great life and I’m in a good place. I have an abundance of friends, some that I’ve known almost all my life.  Other friends that have trickled in throughout my adult life that I consider to be some of my best friends I’ve ever had. I live in a wonderful neighborhood in a super cute townhouse, I make enough money to pay all my bills and usually have a little extra at the end of the month, which I am so grateful for.

My daughter is adjusting remarkable well since her dad and I split. I can’t complain about too much.  Life is good!

But, and there’s always a but, I sometimes miss having a partner to share life with. I find this especially true during the holidays, or when my daughter has a school event. Instead of having other parents feel the tension that exudes when my ex and I are in the same room together; it would be nice to have someone I love next to me to enjoy my little girl growing up. It would also be nice to have a partner to share the dull and mundane things that happen in life. Maybe it’s as simple as something funny that happened to me, or if I had a bad day at work. It would be nice to have someone there that I could share these things with.

And there’s sex. Oh, how it would be nice to have consistent sex with someone. I’m sure Duracell is going to be sending me a thank you card in the mail any day now thanking me for all the money I spend on batteries. Why is it that as soon as I got a divorce my sex drive has sky rocketed?  A girls got to get those needs met somehow.

But, and there it is again. With a relationship comes compromise. And that is what I am just not willing to give up at this point. I like calling the shots. Whether it’s about what I’m doing, or not doing for that matter.  I like being able to decide what to have for dinner every night.  I don’t need to check in with my partner to see if they’re in the mood for Thai food. (Which who in the hell isn’t?  ) But, you know what I mean. I want a part time, monogamous boyfriend. To me, this sounds like the ideal situation. All the fun without a lot of the work.  Think “friends with benefits” but that lasts forever.  This sounds so simple, easy and what I think most people, even married folks would really want.

Why is this so hard to find?

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Dating, Divorce, Life

Do they all really let us down sometimes?

When I was in Jr. High many years ago, my friend and I made up a little acronym- G.A.S. and it stood for “Guys are Shit” and our slogan was “They all let you down sometime.” We even had a man haters “club.” I was proudly the president of said club and my friend was fine being nominated as Vice President. What’s funny about this is that I can barely remember what I did last weekend, but I remember this part of my childhood as if it happened yesterday.

I’ve always loved love. I am a sucker for any romantic comedy and I always love when the outcast geeky girl ends up with the hot, popular jock. Think Molly Ringwald in the classic 80’s movie “Pretty in Pink.”  I had many daydreams as a geeky pre-teen that the amazing popular boy would fall madly in love with me and we would be sitting on my dining room table in front of a birthday cake getting ready to make out. Think the other 80’s classic “Sixteen Candles.” Pretty much every girl who grew up in the 80’s wanted to date Jake Ryan.

What I find sad is that in my 40’s I’m ready to return to my old position of President of the  man hater’s club and I find myself reverting back to that saying I made up when I was barely a teenager. In the last year my life I have been witness to the following:

  • A husband who had an affair with a woman he met on Ashlemadison.com. This woman would come to my house on a regular basis for a year and a half while I was at work and have sex with my husband in my bed. I was completely blindsided because I would have bet anyone that my husband would never cheat on me. I never ever thought he was the type. Lesson Learned.
  • One of my best friend’s long term boyfriend of 5 plus years cheated on her with someone young enough to be his daughter (she’s legal age, but barely) AND has proof that he also likes to give blow jobs to men who are living as women.
  • A new friend I met through my daughter’s school friend has been with her partner for 13 years and he has cheated on her the past 2 years off and on with the same woman. This man can’t decide who he loves and is stringing both women along. He treats my friend like shit, verbally abusing her and drinking all day long as she pays all the bills. It’s actually quite pathetic.
  • I joined a private online support group for divorced moms and I had to leave the group within a week because all of the stories were so depressing. A woman who was married for 30 years was left out of a blue for a man. More than one woman was married for 20+ yeas and their husbands pretty much woke up one day and decided they didn’t want to be married any longer. Another woman was 7 months pregnant when she found out about her husband’s affair. The list goes on and on.
  • A guy I briefly dated about 9 months ago who I met online still has his profile up and is now lying about his age. I realize this seems mild compared to infidelity and betrayal, but I can’t stand liars, especially since I was married to one for 8 years.

 

What the fuck has happened to good old fashion honesty?

I was miserable in my marriage and would dream about having an affair all the time, but I just couldn’t do it because the guilt would have been too much. If my ex and I would have decided to cut our losses a few years ago, we could have remained friends and co parented our daughter in harmony. But now, I hate his guts and can barely look at him. Sometimes I can’t.

Why can’t we all just be honest when a relationship isn’t working? Breaking up is going to hurt no matter how it happens, but it can soften the blow a little if you keep betrayal out of it.

Remember the saying “He’s just not that into you” made popular from one of my favorite shows, “Sex and the City?” Can’t we make this universal and just end it with “You know what, it was fun I did love you at one point, but you know what I’m just not that into you anymore and I feel the urge to sleep with someone else, but I have integrity so I want to tell you first.”

Am I living in a fantasy world to think this can actually happen?

As I sit here stewing on my Jr. High revelation from 30 years ago I realize that I may have been onto something. Maybe they do just let us all down sometime.

I hope I’m wrong, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

Dating, Divorce

Why I Don’t Regret Sleeping Around So Soon After My Separation

I slept with 3 different men within 3 months after separating from my husband. Am I proud of this fact? No I’m not. Would I do it over again if I could? Yes, I would and here’s why.

1. I was in a loveless marriage for a long time. And since I didn’t love my husband I never wanted to have sex with him. I would do it, however, just to get him off my back (no pun intended) so he would stop pestering me. The sex sucked. I would lie there as he’s pounding away thinking of all the housework I needed to get done, what I needed to do at work the next day and go over things I needed to get at the grocery store.

All I could think was “please cum and get this over with so I can get back to my day.” Now some of you may think I’m should have tried more, and I did. I told him more times than I can count that in order for me to be sexually stimulated, I needed to first be mentally stimulated. These were my asks:  compliment me, tell me I’m pretty once in a while like you used to. Write me a hand written note like you used to.  (A sticky note would even do the trick).  Have a deep, meaningful conversation with me, one that I can tell you are generally interested in what I have to say. Rub my back and not expect anything after. I wasn’t asking for much in my opinion, but even going to counseling couldn’t get him to do these things. The most ironic thing: nothing I asked for cost a penny. Not one penny!

2. I thought for many years that I had lost my sex drive. I figured that since I hit 40 it must just be par for the course. Well, after having sex with someone after only being with my husband for 9 years I soon realized that was not the case at all. I hadn’t lost my sex drive; I just never wanted to fuck my husband!

3. The first man I slept with liberated me. Since my ex had been having an affair the last year and a half of our marriage, my little rendezvous felt like a big fat big “fuck you” to my cheating ex-husband. It was as if I was a bratty kid sticking my tongue out at someone on the playground. Two can play at this game, buddy. Childish? Yes, but at the time, I was still raw from recently learning about his affair. I was not in a good place mentally.

4. It felt good to be wanted and I needed that. The 3rd and final man I slept with had a lot of issues that I chose not to see at the time. Narcissist is at the top of the list, but that’s for another blog. However, the sex with this man was hot! It was the kind of wild, freaky sex that I don’t think many people have after being married for so long. I felt sexy, I felt free and I felt liberated to wave my freak flag in the sack. I didn’t feel like a 42-year-old divorcee with a 5-year-old. I felt like a sexy diva who liked to get down and dirty. And that felt good!

It’s been 8 LONG months since I’ve had sex, and I discovered during my ho- bag phase,  that for me,  I can’t have casual sex.  I get too emotionally attached.  So, as part of my own healing I have stayed away from men and dating, and I decided to date myself.  At least, I know I still got it and when I am ready to get out there again, this mama will be ready to let loose and wave my freak flag once again.

Dating, Life

I Wonder If a Leopard Really Can Change Its Spots?

I was reading an article written with a similar title and the message was loud and clear that NO a leopard can NOT change its spots. In other words, dead beats, assholes, cheaters, sociopaths, and narcissistic humans can NOT change.

I agree 100% that those types of people cannot and will not change. I believe whole heartedly that “normal” (hate that word, what is normal anyway?) can and do change all the time. I know that for myself, I try to change a little every day with the hope the change is a positive one.

For some reason, even though I wasn’t in love with my husband for the last few years of our marriage I still get bothered that he is still with his mistress. I have conjured up this vision of the two of them madly in love, taking in each word the other says, having hot sex every day.  But, and there’s a big but, I then come back to reality and remind myself that these are two severely damaged individuals, who met on a dating site specifically for married men and women to have an affair. Why do I think these two will ride off into the sunset madly in love for the next 50 years?

Why do I have some delusional notion that my ex will become this perfect man who’s giving, thoughtful, a good listener, and all around great guy? Perhaps because that is who he was when I first met him. I never in a million years thought he would do what he did to our family. Now, I truly believe he was a dirt bag all along and maybe for a few years tried to be good, but a person with sociopathic tendencies just can’t change for the long haul.

When I go to that place where I feel insecure and jealous that he has someone and I don’t, I have to remind myself that I didn’t want to be with him when I was married to him, why do I care who he’s with now?

I do know if that this lucky lady gets a man that has been married 3 times, has 2 baby mamas, has horrible listening skills who will either not respond to what someone else talks to him about, or rudely interrupts mid-sentence. This is a person who micro manages their partner’s every move. What pot to use when cooking dinner, how to load a dishwasher properly, and what weekend activities he will agree to partake in. And the best is that this lucky lady gets to have a partner who is a compulsive liar who I’m sure is feeding her a bunch of bullshit about how she will be lucky wife #4 and offering her visions of riding off into the sunset.

What does my ex get in return? A partner who used to be morbidly obese, has major self-esteem issues, had cyber stalked me all throughout their affair, cusses in front of and at her kids (according to my ex), not to mention  is really, really ugly. (I’m not just saying that, everyone I know who has either seen her in person or seen a pic has agreed.) This is a woman who, according to our divorce decree can have zero overnight visits when my daughter is around. Before that there was a 6 month stipulation that she was to have zero contact with my daughter.

So, I would have to say that karma is unfolding as it always does…..Just being together is their karma. They both actually deserve one another.   I’m going to sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the implosion.

Dating

Why do we always have the Zsa Zsa for the wrong Men?

I am a huge Sex in the City fan, so much so that as a newly single divorcee, I am watching the entire season as part of my therapy. As silly as this sounds, I always feel better after watching an episode. I either feel like I just hung out with 4 of my best friends or some plot line from the show reminds me of my girlfriends and I somehow. One show I recently watched was when Carrie first meets Burger and she’s talking to the girls about the “Zsa Zsa Zoo” You know the butterflies in your stomach, the heart racing, that person is always forefront on your mind and you find yourself continually thinking about this person.The Zsa Zsa will also make a semi normal women go crazy. It’s as if all rational thinking goes out the window with the Zsa Zsa. Why? I don’t know.
I have yet to meet one women who has found the Zsa Zsa with the right man. I had it for a man I met when I was 24. It was love at first sight. I still remember the blue blazer he was wearing the night I saw him at the dive bar I used to frequent. I was young, naive and I fell HARD for this man. I thought at my wise age of 24, that this was what real, true love really is. I found him! Well… life didn’t agree with me. We did date for about 3 years, in fact I moved in with him after only knowing him for 3 months. He ended up being a liar and a cheat, and he broke my heart into a million little pieces. I was so distraught after I found out he had been having an affair that my friend had to bring over a couple xanex so I could actually sleep. I didn’t eat for weeks, was sleeping like shit and all I could think about was him. Why did he do this? Didn’t he feel that powerful connection I did? Apparently not. It took me FIVE years to finally get over this man.

One of my best friends had the Zsa Zsa so bad for a guy she would literrally walk around downtown Seattle peaking in windows of places she knew he would frequently go. This was not normal behavior for her, but then this man brought out the “crazy” in her. I believe as women we all have a little crazy in us, but sometimes the crazy seems to elevate at an almost scary level, especially when there’s Zsa Zsa.

Since my separation and divorce I have dabbled in online dating. I met a man on match a few months ago. We seemed to really hit it off and I felt like we had good chemistry. We went out about 10 times, slept together a few times and I thought that this may actually turn into something. I didn’t think or know if I was actually ready to settle down again so soon, but when you’ve got the Zsa Zsa, you’ve got the Zsa Zsa. What started off so hot and so fast,  fizzled in just about the same amount of time . Although here I was a 42 year old single mother feeling the Zsa Zsa for a man I barely knew. WTH?? I thought about this man constantly, always wondering what he was doing, when he would text me next, always hoping that he would want to see me, when in reality he just wasn’t that into me, yet here I was acting like a naive 17 year old girl! Ugh! I was so mad at myself, but what in the heck can a woman do when the Zsa Zsa is there? Not to mention our sex kept getting hotter and hotter and as many married folks know, married sex isn’t that great! At least my married sex wasn’t. In fact, the last few years of my marriage I never wanted to even have sex with my husband. I thought that since I was in my 40’s that I had just lost my sex drive. But no, once I tested that waters after my divorce and did have sex with another man, I realized that I just didn’t want to fuck my husband. My sex drive was back in full force and I was ready for more!

But that would not be happening, unfortunately. My new found “friend” exhibited a few red flags that I ignored. Classic narcissistic behavior; he was selfish, boasted about all of his accomplishments, talked a lot about himself and always blamed everyone else for their misdoings, especially his ex wife who he was with for 21 years. I would love to have a 10 minutes conversation with her. But yes, of course I felt the Zsa Zsa. I am happy to say that I am finally over this guy and at least it won’t take me 5 years like the last guy.

Now let’s hope the next guy I feel the Zsa Zsa for is the RIGHT guy. Is that too much to ask?