Divorce, Grief, Life

When Can I Have That Breakdown I So Desperately Deserve?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“When Life serves you lemons, make lemonade.”

“The glass is always half full.”

These fluffy, positive life sentiments are my life mottos. Or perhaps I should say was my life mottos.

I’m getting a little jaded as I get older. Life just sucks sometimes and life can be really unfair.

In the span of a year and a half I found out that the loving, sweet, poem writing, compliment giving husband I married was actually a sociopathic, cheating liar.

In May of this year my upbeat, always optimistic, happy, always smiling dad got diagnosed with Lymphoma and died two months later.

An ex-boyfriend I loved so madly and deeply at one point in my life many moons ago suddenly reappeared and just as quickly left my life once again.

Sometimes an ubur positive, living a life of gratitude woman can only take so much before she’s ready to have a breakdown. That someone is me.

I have always loved life and always looked on the bright side of every situation, no matter what was thrown my way.  Before my divorce and death of my father, I had been through a lot of setbacks and heart ache. My mom died when I was 12, I’ve had my heart broken by ex-boyfriends. Like really heart broken. Like five years to get over heart broken. I’ve been dirt poor more years than I haven’t been dirt poor. I’ve always had self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy.

But still, I managed to pick myself up and live my life. Live a life full of joy. People always compliment my smile and say that I smile a lot. Well, truth be told that smile as of late is fake.

Melissa Etheridge has a song called Breakdown, which is my theme song that is constantly playing in my always “on” brain.

When in life do we just have to surrender and say “enough is enough?”

I think as women we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders because we have so many people depending on us. This could be our kids, our spouse, our boss, or friends. I was talking to my therapist and I told her that I feel like I’ve been holding up this brick wall for so long, that right now my arms are shaking so bad that I’m about ready to let that wall fall down and crumble right before me.

How do I exercise that muscle so I can continue to hold that wall? Or do I need the wall to crash, so I don’t need a wall to hold onto at all?

I do know this. I have a little person depending on me. She needs me as much as I need her. I may have given birth to my daughter but she has actually saved my life. If it weren’t for her I probably would have drank myself to death after I found out about my husband’s affair. I would have not been able to find the strength to move on and find help to rebuild my life. It was because of her that I did find help and work on rebuilding our new life together. A life that up until a couple months ago was a good life. A life of love, peace and laughter. The death of a love one will put a damper on the peace and laughter, at least for a while.

As they say, “The show must go on.” But there are times that I just want to close the curtain and call it a day.

I don’t know if that will happen. I’m too busy living my life to have the nervous breakdown I so desperately want and deserve to have.

Ladies, I want you to know that it’s ok to be weak once in a while. It’s ok to cry and not want to get out of bed in the morning. There are a lot of us out there, but some too proud to admit.

I am one of those proud that is finally ready to admit it.

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