I went there today with my ex-husband. And when I say there I mean that ugly place where I say or in this case text something where instead I should have just taken a deep breath and moved on with my day. I have been doing good for a long time staying silent when I really want to go a little nuts or say something really passive aggressive to my ex. My tongue has the bloody scars to prove how much I’ve been biting it the past few months. But sometimes I can’t tame the beast and it unleashes like a caged tiger jumps at a fresh raw piece of meat once that cage door opens. Today I was that tiger and my ex was that piece of meat.
My ex lied, cheated and betrayed me when he decided to have an affair. I’m more upset about the betrayal more than anything. Neither one of us was happy the past few years of our marriage, but even so when we fought (which wasn’t really that often) we were never the type to cuss, scream, degrade and yell at one another. We fought like real adults. We talked about what was pissing us off and didn’t need to tell the other person to fuck off.
Well now I have days where I would love to shout FUCK YOU from the roof top. I want to hear it echoing miles around me so that bastard knows what a piece of shit he is. Is this healthy? No. And I know it’s not. But isn’t it ok to still go crazy once in a while? When is the perfect time to let it all go? I don’t know the answer.
Why do I still harbor this anger and resentment? Is it because the last few times I’ve seen my ex he tries to play nice and make small talk? Any sort of friendship or idle chit chat will not be happening. That all went out the window when he decided to fuck his mistress in our bed for a year and a half. This mistress whom he met on the married dating site www.ashleymadison.com. Can you say “Jerry Springer?” I’ll also add that my ex’s mistress now girlfriend looks NOTHING like the woman Ashley Madison promotes on its homepage. On a scale from 1-10, I’d give her a 4 at best, and that’s being nice.
I think what it boils down to is this harbored anger and resentment is really about me. How did I let this man who I spent 9 years of my life with make such a fool of me? Why didn’t I do anything when my gut told me on numerous occasions that something wasn’t right? Why did I ignore all the warning signs that something wasn’t right? Was I too lazy and not ready to leave? Did I not love myself enough to think I could do it on my own?
But, I hung in there for my daughter and step son. I’m the one that recommended we go to counseling. I did want my marriage to survive, even though I knew deep down that I had fallen out of love with him years ago. But now I get angry again, who in the fuck goes to marriage counseling in the midst of an affair and doesn’t bring it up? My ex-husband!!! My God, is he a sociopath? How this man sleeps at night is beyond me.
I am going to take a deep breath, count my blessings and play with the scars I’ve created on my tongue. I have a feeling I’ll be biting it a few more times before I can finally say I’m over this and I have officially moved on.