I’ve come to a realization that I am a rarity within my female gender.
I don’t feel like I need a relationship, a man, a warm body to “complete” me or to make me feel happier about myself. Lately I have come across a multitude of women who choose to either stay in very dysfunctional relationships or jump into one relationship to the next because they are so damn scared of being alone.
This really, really pisses me off! Why do so many amazing, beautiful, talented women feel that in order to be whole that they must be partnered up to do so? Does having a warm body next to you really makes you feel that much better even if that warm body drinks too much, verbally abuses you, lies to you and cheats on you? Why would anyone in their right mind choose this relationship over the “dreaded” single life?
I know that love is complicated and that both men and women are complex individuals, but why does it seem that I am the minority as I try to work on myself alone, without that warm body?
I need to find out why in the past I have always picked the dysfunctional men who have drinking problems, sex addictions, and the men who feel that habitual lying is a part of life and is ok to do on a daily basis.
As I step back and look at my past relationships I can see a pattern, and it’s not good.
I admit that I am very fortunate to have a tribe of many friends and family that love me and have been there for me whenever I have needed them. Especially during this past year of transition from family of 4 to breadwinner divorced single mom. Which by the way scares me to death to know that it’s me and only me that is responsible to raise my child and give her the life that is better than the one I had growing up. One of my biggest fears is that the day she turns 18 her first phone call with be to a therapist because I screwed up so badly during the prior 18 years.
I guess this is one of the reasons I’m choosing to remain single for the imminent future. I need to be a whole, self-aware, self-secure woman in order to raise a young daughter who grows up to feel whole, self-aware and self-secure.
What makes me so sad is that many of these women who choose to remain in dysfunctional relationships are modeling what relationships look like to their children. This then starts the whole dysfunctional process all over again with a new generation.
What is the answer? How can I help my fellow sisters realize that being single isn’t a bad thing? Why is being alone so scary? Do these women despise themselves so much that being alone reminds them of how much work they have to do in order to get where they know they need to be?
This process I’m in of self-discovery is not easy. There are days that I want to lay in bed, pull the covers over my face and stay there for weeks on end. But, I can’t. I have to face life and my inner demons head on in order to find peace within myself. I am doing this work not only for me, but for the love of my life; my daughter. I want her to know that she doesn’t need a handsome prince to come save her when life breaks her down. What she needs is herself. That is all she will ever need. And maybe her mom.