Dating, Life

I Wonder If a Leopard Really Can Change Its Spots?

I was reading an article written with a similar title and the message was loud and clear that NO a leopard can NOT change its spots. In other words, dead beats, assholes, cheaters, sociopaths, and narcissistic humans can NOT change.

I agree 100% that those types of people cannot and will not change. I believe whole heartedly that “normal” (hate that word, what is normal anyway?) can and do change all the time. I know that for myself, I try to change a little every day with the hope the change is a positive one.

For some reason, even though I wasn’t in love with my husband for the last few years of our marriage I still get bothered that he is still with his mistress. I have conjured up this vision of the two of them madly in love, taking in each word the other says, having hot sex every day.  But, and there’s a big but, I then come back to reality and remind myself that these are two severely damaged individuals, who met on a dating site specifically for married men and women to have an affair. Why do I think these two will ride off into the sunset madly in love for the next 50 years?

Why do I have some delusional notion that my ex will become this perfect man who’s giving, thoughtful, a good listener, and all around great guy? Perhaps because that is who he was when I first met him. I never in a million years thought he would do what he did to our family. Now, I truly believe he was a dirt bag all along and maybe for a few years tried to be good, but a person with sociopathic tendencies just can’t change for the long haul.

When I go to that place where I feel insecure and jealous that he has someone and I don’t, I have to remind myself that I didn’t want to be with him when I was married to him, why do I care who he’s with now?

I do know if that this lucky lady gets a man that has been married 3 times, has 2 baby mamas, has horrible listening skills who will either not respond to what someone else talks to him about, or rudely interrupts mid-sentence. This is a person who micro manages their partner’s every move. What pot to use when cooking dinner, how to load a dishwasher properly, and what weekend activities he will agree to partake in. And the best is that this lucky lady gets to have a partner who is a compulsive liar who I’m sure is feeding her a bunch of bullshit about how she will be lucky wife #4 and offering her visions of riding off into the sunset.

What does my ex get in return? A partner who used to be morbidly obese, has major self-esteem issues, had cyber stalked me all throughout their affair, cusses in front of and at her kids (according to my ex), not to mention  is really, really ugly. (I’m not just saying that, everyone I know who has either seen her in person or seen a pic has agreed.) This is a woman who, according to our divorce decree can have zero overnight visits when my daughter is around. Before that there was a 6 month stipulation that she was to have zero contact with my daughter.

So, I would have to say that karma is unfolding as it always does…..Just being together is their karma. They both actually deserve one another.   I’m going to sit back, pop some popcorn and enjoy the implosion.

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Divorce, Grief, Life

My Husband’s Affair Was The Best Thing To Happen To Me

Yes, I know that sounds strange, but here’s the deal…I was very unhappy in my marriage. Miserable is another word that could be used to describe how I felt.  I was so unhappy that my unhappiness consumed me 24/7. I would spend all my time trying to convince myself that no, I hadn’t fallen out of love with my husband; it was just a rough patch that all marriages go through.

I would lie in bed every night telling myself that in 13 years when my daughter would turn 18 that I could finally leave and be happy. My husband and I had talked about getting a divorce a couple of times and inevitably I would chicken out and tell my husband that I didn’t want to go through with it.

The reason was that I had so much guilt about ripping our family apart and having to tell my daughter that the reason she has two homes is because Mommy was bored. I had also helped raise my stepson from the age of 4-12, and he was at the age that our divorce would really impact him and not in a good way. He and I had a great relationship and both loved each other.

My husband and I tried marriage counseling, but that didn’t help either. We didn’t have a friendship, and to be honest, my husband bored me to tears. He had no friends and only had one interest, which were sports. We spent most of our free time on the couch vegging in front of the TV. Not a healthy or productive marriage to say the least.

It was December 27th, 2014 when I got the call from my husband’s mistress whom he met on ashleymadison.com to let me know about their year and a half long affair. She proceeded to tell me that they would fuck in my bed while I was at work; she spent the weekend at my house when I was out of town attending my aunt’s funeral. She spent a week at my house when my daughter and I were visiting my sister in California.

The kicker was that she had met my daughter!!!  Ya, that’s right! My husband was dumb enough to have his mistress meet up at a park with my daughter and her daughter for a playdate.

Once I heard all of this, as heartbroken and pissed off as I was I realized that this was my “get out of my marriage guilt free” card. I made my husband stay in a hotel the night I found out about the affair and I moved out of our family home a month after.

Our divorce was final 3 ½ months later. It has now been 10 months since the bomb hit. I am happier than I have been in many years. I don’t have someone micromanaging my every move, telling me what pot to use to boil water, how to load a dishwasher and what we were having for dinner every night.

I still have days of sadness and anger, but those are dwindling as time goes on. I have forgiven him, not for him but for myself. Every day I try to find ways to better myself spiritually, emotionally and physically. My goal in life is to be the best mom, person, friend, sister, daughter that I can be.

My ex?

He’s still with his ashleymadison lover living in their complete dysfunction. I’ve yet to get an apology from him, but that’s ok. In hindsight he did me a favor, I am now living the life I so badly wanted 13 years before I ever thought I could.