Divorce, Grief

When A Blast From The Past Feels Like a Punch In The Gut

Something happened last night that I need to share. I need to share because one of the ways I feel better is to write, and quite frankly I need to feel better.

I have an upcoming trip to the Philippines and I’m looking into buying a new camera to take a long. For the past 4 years or so I have only used my iPhone for pictures but I figure if I’m going on a 2 week vacation to somewhere half way across the world I should probably take better quality pics.

I remembered that during my move a little over 2 years ago I had packed away an old camera and video recorder I used to use when Anna was little. I found them tucked away in a box in the back of my down stairs closet. I grabbed them from the box and charged them both.

At the end of the evening as Anna is brushing her teeth I start watching video. It’s a really cute video of her when she was 4 opening her gifts from Santa. I told her that tonight instead of books, we’ll watch a few of these home videos before bed. She is very excited to do so.

We are snuggled in her bed viewing a video of my ex, Anna and her brother on a camping trip in May of 2013. I remember that weekend well. I didn’t want to go for the entire weekend. This was when my ex and I were really having issues and, so as a compromise I met up with them for the day. The video is fun to watch. Both kids are so little. Anna is 3 and my step son is 11, still a young boy.

After about 5 minutes of watching them by a camp fire, Anna eating and my step son widdling a stick the scene moves to the kids playing at the local park located at the camp site. I recognize another little girl immediately. It’s Fugley’s daughter. My heart starts beating out of my chest and my hands start shaking. I haven’t felt this much rage in over a year. I could have won an Oscar for how calm I seemed to Anna. She quietly states that she knows who that girl is and tells me her name. “That’s right.” I say, as calm as can be. I then tell Anna that this will be the last video we’re going to watch and that she needs to go to sleep.

I shut her door and I am seething mad. That mother fucker was so arrogant that the not only invited his Ashley Madison mistress to join MY family on a camping trip, but filmed her daughter! Just a reminder he and I were still married at the time and he had just started this affair.

I call him and cool as a cucumber I ask if he wants the video to watch with Fugly this weekend to commemorate their love. He declines and tells me he is getting ready to go to bed. That’s it. No apology, no embarrassment, nothing.

But then, what should I expect? I haven’t gotten a sorry in the 2 plus years since the cat’s been out of the bag. Shame on me!

Today, I woke up and still feel a little stung from what happened last night, but I’m about 90% over it. Thank God for two of my best friends that spent time with me on the phone last night.

I am pissed more than anything. What a huge slap in the face and reminder of what a POS I was married to. I didn’t expect that as Anna and I were preparing to reminisce and view old memories.

I need to finish up now. I have to hop in the shower to get ready to chaperone my daughter’s field trip. Today I will only focus on the good. The sun is out and I get to spend all day with my favorite person in the world.

 

 

Divorce

5 Divorced Women Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Marrying

Woulda, coulda,  shoulda, isn’t that how the saying goes? If I knew then what I know now would I have married the man I did knowing how badly it ended?

As women, many of us envision married life as having the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, Prince charming by your side, and living the American dream; happily ever after.

Then, you get married. Reality sets in. Many of us realize we got into a relationship that we don’t see lasting “til death do us part.”

I asked a handful of women in my network what they wish they had known before they got married.  I got a variety of answers, but what stuck out to me the most is that every single one of us wrote in one way or another that we wish we knew before we got married that we were enough. Every single one of us settled on someone because we didn’t think we were good enough to get treated and loved the way we deserved.

Below 5 Divorced Women Share What They Wish They Had Known Before Marrying

1. RM- Married 7 ½ years, together for 9

I wish I would have known how much work you need to put into a marriage every single day.  You have to treat your marriage as you would a full-time job.  You have to work at making your spouse the #1 priority even if you have kids. Plan regular date nights, have sex on a regular basis, go on trips together. Don’t let good sex cloud your judgment over the things that really matter in a long-term relationship, especially marriage. You have to be friends with your partner first. I never considered my husband my best friend. He would always comment that I always sounded so much happier when I was talking to one of my friends. Truth be told, it’s because I was. I was able to be myself around my friends. I wish I would have known that if your boyfriend seems to be a bit bossy, that will turn into full on controlling behavior as the relationship progresses. And with control means that you become a shell of a person you once were because you get beat down so much. You start to question your own worth. I will never ever allow a man to determine my worth again.

2. SS- Married 8 years, together for 21

The one thing I wish I’d know before marrying was that I would be ok being alone. For many years I stayed in an unhappy, codependent marriage because I was afraid. I was afraid of being lonely, afraid of being a single mom, afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it on my own financially, afraid that our son would think I’m a failure, afraid of all the unknowns. So I stayed, disconnected from life, going through the motions, not feeling a damn thing. I was an empty shell breathing. I remember frantically crying the day he asked for a divorce. Not because I was sad, but because I was scared to be alone. But I started to realize that I had to make a new beginning. My life was craving a new journey, one that was defined by me. I slowly started to feel the life radiate back in the soul. I began to feel free from the prison of my own thoughts and what I realized was that I was ok being alone. I was enough. I am at peace and I feel whole again. I finally found the freedom from my own insecurities.

3. EN- Married 4 ½ years together for 8

Looking back at myself, if I knew then what I know now, I would have waited longer to get married.  At the time I was sure about my husband to be and thought he thought the same about me.  What I did not realize was I was blind and did not know the real man my husband I married was until he wanted a separation.  It was through his inability to be serious during our separation did I realize I could not remain married to this man as it would have led to a miserable, false life.

4. MT- Married 4 years, together for 11

One thing I would have known before marrying; I wish I knew that I was good enough, so I didn’t have to compromise and settle for less. I wish I was confident enough to talk myself out of the relationship that was full of compromise. I wish comfort of being married never took over my desire to live free.

My ex-husband’s family was abusive towards me from the start. My ex was the youngest of 3, with 2 older sisters with very strong and narcissistic personalities. My ex was quiet and his way of coping with his family problem was to let them be, and not rock the boat. When I came into the picture, his family started to attack me by doing things that hurt my feelings or made sure that I knew I was never included in their family functions.

I was wishing and hoping that my ex would stand up for me. After 11 years of being together, he never did. I don’t think he knew how.

So I compromised. I told myself “This is it; I must make this work because this is what I deserve. I can never find a man better than him.” Deep inside I knew I didn’t deserve all abusive behavior coming from his family, but I was comfortable. We were married, we had financial stability, and we were doing ok. So I let the comfort of being married take over my desire to live free.

But at the end, I have no regrets. It was my opportunity to learn to get to know myself, love my imperfect self, fight for my freedom, and understand that I am good enough. I am not going to give this freedom up again easily because it was damn hard to get it.

5. JK- Married 3 years together 7

I wish I knew my worth…

I was 22 when I met my ex-husband.  I was so young and stupid and within a year and a half had an oops pregnancy, got married a couple years after and immediately pregnant again, but then about a year-and-a-half later, separated for divorce.

So… my worth… I wish I truly understood my worth. Of course, there are a million things I wish I would have known and understood better about my ex-husband and his family, but ultimately, it comes down to me. Nobody really taught me my worth, at least not the right people.

Although I thought I had high self-esteem and I definitely was an accomplished individual, good daughter, star athlete, great student, loyal friend, highly sought-after employee.

But, I was lacking the deep understanding of my worth and had no one to guide me into healthy, respectful, worthy, romantic relationships. I was missing the key importance of setting a healthy standard for my own match.

It took me time, help, discipline, and motherhood to value and better understand my worth.

We all make better choices when we know more and I believe it starts with knowing your own worth.  Truly understanding the meaning; having expectations for ourselves to challenge each other to be better and grow.

I am remarried now and have such a better understanding of my worth. I purposely have consistent conversations with my own children so they truly understand their worth so that they set healthy, appropriate, and fair boundaries and standards, and take their time.

I wish I knew my worth, we always need to start with ourselves, because knowing yourself makes all the difference.

In closing,

I believe my favorite fictional character sums it up the best.

Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.

Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City

Life

My Two Year Check Up

I’ve been neglecting my blog for way too long. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to write, it’s because I’ve had too much to write and I guess you could say that I got overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. But today is the day I have decided to write it all down. Lucky you,  my faithful readers! LOL!

I’ll start with my feelings as I quickly approach the 2 year mark of my divorce being final.  I am not exactly where I want to be emotionally, but I have come a long way. And that is something I need to remind myself of when I am too hard on myself.

I can truthfully say that I am almost to the “Meh” phase when I think about my ex, deal with my ex and look at my ex. I don’t think I will ever like my ex, and I know I will never respect him.  I am at the point that after he opens his mouth and tries to have his every annoying friendly chit chat with me I am reminded about all the reasons I was so miserable in my marriage. I don’t miss a God damn thing about that man and that I can say with 100% honesty. He’s still with fugly and all I can do is laugh at the absurdity of their dysfunctional “relationship.” He has zero friends, isn’t close with his family, and so therefore uses her for company. She thinks he walks on water and is so insecure she will take whatever she can get from him, so she accepts the tiny little kibbles he throws her way. Their relationship actually makes me sick to be honest. Two severely dysfunctional people trying to fill their emotional holes with each other’s insecurity. Chew on that for a few minutes. All I can say is GROSS. She can have his lying, cheating ass for as long as she wants. I am forever done with that POS.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I reflect on my own self-discovery and on a good day I realize how far I’ve come. I am not even the same woman I was when I was in my marriage. I have stepped outside my comfy box of contentment so many times; it’s actually becoming more of a habit. I started this blog; I am hiking mountains that two years ago would have put me in the hospital from exhaustion. I’m volunteering on a regular basis, where I have met so many new friends. I have a good life. I really do.

And here’s where I get real and really lay it out there. I struggle, and I have struggled a lot lately with my depression. I’ve suffered from this for years off and on and realistically I think it started after my mom died over 30 years ago. But it wasn’t until after I had my daughter that I started taking medication. The medication helps, but that damn black cloud of despair still rears its ugly head from time to time and the past few months that black cloud hasn’t gone away. I think a lot has to do with the weather here. I don’t remember having such a grey and gloomy winter in years. This year has been bad. I had my yearly physical a couple weeks ago and my doc upped the dosage on my happy pills and I started taking vitamin D, which I think is helping. I am starting to see my way out of the fog.

I’m exercising on a regular basis, which is the first time if my life I can say that. I exercise for my mental state now, as much as I want to tone up my body.  I guess you could say that exercise is keeping me sane.

There are days that I miss my dad so much it physically hurts. I cry during random times and even had to leave work early a few weeks ago because I couldn’t stop crying. Grief is funny that way. It sneaks up on you and most times it’s at a moment you didn’t see coming.

I am starting to accept the fact that I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to have days that I don’t want to get out of bed or I want to cry all day because I miss my dad. I can have those days. And I am no longer going to feel guilty when I do.

I also have good days. I will never take those good days for granted. I start each day with a grateful heart and remind myself of all the wonderful things I am so fortunate to have in my life. So many things that we tend to take for granted during our normal, mundane life. I have a roof over my head, I have all of my limbs, I’m healthy, my daughter is healthy, and a really awesome kid to boot. I have friends, a lot of friends that I am eternally grateful for.

Even on those not so good days, I’m eternally grateful to be here breathing and alive to take it all in.

 

 

Life

What This Past Year Has Taught Me About Life

As 2016 comes to a close many of us take time to reflect on the current year and some of us make New Year’s resolutions for the next year that more than likely will last through the first week or two of January.

I for one am not a huge New Year resolution person. I like to continue on my life path year after year.  This consists of improving upon my self-acceptance, and to give more selflessly each year to others.  Sometimes I may add in a tid bit here and there; step out of my comfort zone more, go on a solo vacation and/or solo back packing trip, volunteer more.

This year has not been kind to me. In fact, the past two years have been my hardest years I’ve had in a really long time. In 2015 I found out about my now ex-husband’s affair, which could parallel a Jerry Springer episode. (Ashley Madison mistress, fucking in marital bed while I was working, introducing my daughter to said mistress while we were still married)  And that is just the tip of the ice burg. This  year my beloved dad, the only parent I have had the past 30 years died two months after getting diagnosed with cancer.

While I was going through my divorce I read somewhere that divorce is the second most traumatic event one can go through behind the death of a loved one. So just to sum things up, I went through the two of the worst things that can happen to someone two years in a row.

What has helped me the past two years has been my amazing support system. My family and friends have been there for me when I was at my lowest of lows, and I will forever be grateful. Starting this blog has also helped.  I had wanted to start one for many years and after my separation I figured there was no better time than to lay it all out there for thousands of people to read. I was amazed at how many people related to my story and commented how they too felt like I had at one time or another. In times of sorrow and despair it helps more than I ever realized to know that you’re not alone. It was validation that no, I wasn’t crazy.  I was grieving and doing what I had to in order to survive the day.

I have spent the last year dating myself and getting to know the new me. I got myself a therapist, and have done a ton of self-work in the process. I’m getting closer and closer to where I want and need to be.

What has helped me the most through this year is living a life of gratitude. That has actually been what has saved me through this giant sad and tragic ordeal. Every morning when I wake up I thank God that I woke up. As hard, shitty and unfair life is sometimes, I still want to be a part of it. Because there is other days when life is good, people are kind and there is love to feel and reciprocate. I am grateful that I have my health. I read horrible stories on social media about too many lives cut short due to cancer and other unfathomable diseases. I always say that as long as I have my health, everything else is just gravy.

My dad was the most positive person I have known. Everyone loved my dad and I mean everyone. We didn’t have enough chairs at his Celebration of Life because so many people showed up to pay their respects. As young as I can remember my dad always instilled positive values to my sister and I. Growing up my dad would always tell me after I would say I couldn’t do something that there is no such word at can’t. He would tell me that I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up, that our minds were more powerful than we realized and with a positive attitude and visualization of what I wanted, I could achieve.

He lived with those philosophies his entire life. But, he still died 2 months after getting diagnosed with cancer.

I was pissed! His positive attitude didn’t get him out of this. Yet I know firsthand of people that don’t appreciate life and have a bad attitude that have beat the odds when it came to their health and they are still around. What the hell?!

My rose colored glasses were gone. I had moments where I doubted living a positive life even mattered in the grand scheme of things. Shitty things just sometimes happen to us no matter how we choose to live our lives. Good or bad.

But, I had an epiphany the other day. Even though shitty things happen to good people all the time, I’m still going to live my life with a glass half full attitude. Even if my life is cut short or something else bad happens, at least I’ll have been a joyful person while still here.

And that my friend is what I’ll take into 2017. You always have to look on the bright side, even when life doesn’t seem too bright. Count what blessings you have, because I can bet you have more than you realize.

Divorce, Grief, Life

What Being In Therapy Has Taught Me About Life

Today I made the difficult but right decision to let my therapist know that I would not be coming back after today.  The last 6 months with her have been so helpful and empowering. She gave me tools that I will use forever to succeed in my journey of healing and self-discovery.

This decision also makes me a little sad. I really like my therapist. We just “clicked.” If I would have met her randomly at a party I would immediately like her. I could tell she really “got” me and what I was going through because low and behold she had gone through the same thing! I think it was fate that I found her when I did. Every single time I walked out of her office I felt lighter, refreshed and ready to take on what life was ready to throw my way.

I’ve been to therapy many times in my life, but never for very long. After a few sessions I felt I got what I needed or didn’t get anything at all so I would stop going. The last time I was in therapy was with my now ex-husband. He was in the midst of his affair, but forgot to mention said affair while we were in counseling. But, that’s water under the bridge and I have moved on. For the most part anyway.

Here are a few things the last six months of therapy have taught me.

  1. When on a journey of healing from a painful divorce and dealing with the residual anger that comes with that experience, be easy on yourself. You’re going to fuck up and go to crazy town once in a while. And that is ok! You just want your visits to crazy town to become further and further apart until eventually you never have to visit that place again.
  2. Self-healing is a lot like training for a marathon. You can’t go from chip loving, pizza loving couch potato to running a marathon in one day, just as you can’t go from damaged and angry to peaceful and loving in one day. It takes time, work and reconditioning to get where you need to be. Whether it is physically or emotionally. When I get mad at myself because I fucked up and behaved in a way I shouldn’t have I remind myself of this. You can’t go to the gym one time and walk out with six pack abs. Boy would that be nice though.
  3. Life is hard. Really hard. For all of us. We are all fighting or have fought battles in our life that we wish we wouldn’t have. Therapy is something that I think is still taboo and people are afraid to talk about.  Therapy has been a life saver for me. Truly. It has been worth every single penny. I think everyone should have a therapist just as everyone should have a primary care physician or a dentist. Mental health care is just as important.

The last few weeks have been the best I’ve had as far as talking myself off the ledge when I start to think about my ex and what he did. A year and a half ago I would text and/or call him and berate him, scream and cuss at him all day long. Now I remind myself of all the reasons I’m so happy we are no longer together.  This replaces my need to go harry carry on him. A few of those reasons are:

  • I live in a house where I no longer have to walk on egg shells.
  • My stomach doesn’t turn when I hear the garage door opening knowing that he is home.
  • I don’t worry about getting micro managed in the kitchen and being told what pot to use to boil water, or god forbid how to properly load a dishwasher. I now get giddy when I turn on a half full dishwasher. Why? Because I can, damn it!
  • I spontaneously decide what to have for dinner each night instead of having meals pre-planned. God forbid we go out to eat when it’s taco night! No more of that. If I thaw out chicken in the morning but get a hankering for Thai food. Guess what? Thai food it is!
  • I no longer have to deal with a fuddy duddy who never wanted to go anywhere unless it was within a 5 mile radius of the house. I can do what I want, when I want and don’t have to deal with a wet blanket while doing so.
  • My daughter now has a happy Mom who is redefining herself every day. And that is a beautiful thing.

 

My journey is not over, not by a long shot. I will keep working on my healing and self-discovery until the day I die. I now have the tools in place and the mind set I need to keep trudging on no matter what life throws my way. I have my therapist to thank for that.

 

 

Friendship

A Homage To My Tribe: My True Soulmates

One thing I will say is that I have always had amazing girlfriends. Most of my closest friends I have known since we were kids. Two of my best friends I’ve known since we were 6, which is crazy to think about because that’s my daughter’s age. I often wonder if the girls she plays with now will still be in her life 35 plus years later like mine are.

I have also been blessed with girlfriends that have come into my life as an adult that I consider to be my nearest and dearest friends. In a nutshell, I scored the lottery in the friend department.

As crazy as this sounds making new friends is kind of like finding a partner. At least for me, it is. I have to have chemistry with a woman before I will open up and be the real me. If I don’t feel that, then I really don’t want to waste my time. Be real, or go home.

As I was going through my divorce, it was my girlfriends that were there for me through thick and thin. One of my friends who only saw her boyfriend on weekends because of distance left his house immediately and stayed the night with me the day I found out about my ex’s affair. I was a distraught, pissed off wreck. She showed up with Fireball and an open ear. She listened to me scream, cry and even witnessed me cut up my ex’s favorite football jersey because I was so fucking pissed. I still don’t regret doing that.

My other girlfriends would call, text and reach out sometimes multiple times a day to check up on me. As messed up as my life had become, it was so comforting to know that I had some really kick ass women who loved me. They loved me in the good times and certainly loved me in the bad. Now, those are true friends. At that time I wasn’t able to really reciprocate any of the love back, but they didn’t care. They loved me and knew that’s what I needed.

I had a girlfriend who lived in Alaska that I hadn’t seen in almost 10 years fly all the way to Washington to see me and spend a few nights with me shortly after I left my now ex-husband. Now that’s a true friend!

I thank my lucky stars every day that I have these women in my life. It doesn’t matter what’s going on they are there for me. They are there when I want to share good news and they are there when I have bad news.

My friends have spent countless hours listening to my divorce drama. They would either be sitting next to me or on the phone listening patiently as I would complain, scream and cry over what a piece of shit my ex-husband is. I didn’t need advice, I needed a sounding board, and they knew that.

When my Dad died suddenly in July, my whole tribe was there once again. Not only did some drive hours to be at my dad’s service, but one of my friends hosted a gathering afterward. Something I didn’t have to worry about during my grief. Again, the phone calls and texts were consistent. Checking on me to make sure I was doing ok.

As crappy as my life has gotten the past year and a half I have always been reminded how truly lucky I am. I couldn’t imagine going through some shit that life throws at us alone.

One of my favorite lines from Sex and the City is when Charlotte is talking to the girls and she says “Maybe we can be each other’s soulmates and then we can let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with.”

I have found my soulmates, I’m fortunate to have found more than most people get in a lifetime.

Divorce, Grief, Life

When Can I Have That Breakdown I So Desperately Deserve?

“Everything happens for a reason.”

“When Life serves you lemons, make lemonade.”

“The glass is always half full.”

These fluffy, positive life sentiments are my life mottos. Or perhaps I should say was my life mottos.

I’m getting a little jaded as I get older. Life just sucks sometimes and life can be really unfair.

In the span of a year and a half I found out that the loving, sweet, poem writing, compliment giving husband I married was actually a sociopathic, cheating liar.

In May of this year my upbeat, always optimistic, happy, always smiling dad got diagnosed with Lymphoma and died two months later.

An ex-boyfriend I loved so madly and deeply at one point in my life many moons ago suddenly reappeared and just as quickly left my life once again.

Sometimes an ubur positive, living a life of gratitude woman can only take so much before she’s ready to have a breakdown. That someone is me.

I have always loved life and always looked on the bright side of every situation, no matter what was thrown my way.  Before my divorce and death of my father, I had been through a lot of setbacks and heart ache. My mom died when I was 12, I’ve had my heart broken by ex-boyfriends. Like really heart broken. Like five years to get over heart broken. I’ve been dirt poor more years than I haven’t been dirt poor. I’ve always had self-esteem issues and feelings of inadequacy.

But still, I managed to pick myself up and live my life. Live a life full of joy. People always compliment my smile and say that I smile a lot. Well, truth be told that smile as of late is fake.

Melissa Etheridge has a song called Breakdown, which is my theme song that is constantly playing in my always “on” brain.

When in life do we just have to surrender and say “enough is enough?”

I think as women we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders because we have so many people depending on us. This could be our kids, our spouse, our boss, or friends. I was talking to my therapist and I told her that I feel like I’ve been holding up this brick wall for so long, that right now my arms are shaking so bad that I’m about ready to let that wall fall down and crumble right before me.

How do I exercise that muscle so I can continue to hold that wall? Or do I need the wall to crash, so I don’t need a wall to hold onto at all?

I do know this. I have a little person depending on me. She needs me as much as I need her. I may have given birth to my daughter but she has actually saved my life. If it weren’t for her I probably would have drank myself to death after I found out about my husband’s affair. I would have not been able to find the strength to move on and find help to rebuild my life. It was because of her that I did find help and work on rebuilding our new life together. A life that up until a couple months ago was a good life. A life of love, peace and laughter. The death of a love one will put a damper on the peace and laughter, at least for a while.

As they say, “The show must go on.” But there are times that I just want to close the curtain and call it a day.

I don’t know if that will happen. I’m too busy living my life to have the nervous breakdown I so desperately want and deserve to have.

Ladies, I want you to know that it’s ok to be weak once in a while. It’s ok to cry and not want to get out of bed in the morning. There are a lot of us out there, but some too proud to admit.

I am one of those proud that is finally ready to admit it.

Grief

I Need to Apologize

I need to apologize for something, and I’ll tell you why.  My mother died when I was 12 years old, which was 30 years ago. Since my mom did die so early this means she missed out on a lot of my life. She missed going to the mall to buy me my first bra, she missed being there to experience my first period, she missed attending my high school graduation, she missed my college graduation, she missed my wedding, she missed the birth of her only grandchild, she missed staying with me after I brought my daughter home from the hospital, which is when I really needed her the most. She also missed being there for me during my divorce, which would be the second time I needed her the most.  Those events are the big events.  She missed out on so much more. She missed out on dealing with a moody, angry teenager who would turn into a kind adult that would cherish a friendship with her mother. She missed out on being there when I got my heart crushed by a boyfriend. She missed out on the mundane of my life, the new careers, and funny stories. All of it. My mom has missed every single thing that has happened in my life for the past 30 years!

And this is why, as I got older , when I would hear of someone losing a parent when they were an adult I would get sad but I was also kind of resentful and had the mindset that they should just get over it. At least they had their parent for the graduations, the weddings, the grandchildren. They had their parent for all of it!

Well, now the tables have turned and I lost my father at 43 and I need to apologize. The loss of my father has been devastating, soul crushing and at times unbearable. And you know why? Because he was there to buy my first bra, he was there to buy me pads when I started my period. He was there at my high school graduation, he was there when I graduated with my Bachler’s Degree and many years later he was there when I graduated with my Master’s Degree. He was there for me every single time I needed him. Every single time. He was at my wedding, he was there when my daughter was born, and he was the one that stayed with me the weekend after I brought her home from the hospital. He came to every one of her birthday parties. He was there for me when I was getting a divorce. And now he will never be there again. And this is what’s unbearable.

I get it; I get it why it’s so sad and horrible to lose your parent as an adult. It’s because they were there to experience it all. Your parent, the person who has known you the longest was there for every milestone you ever had.  Sometimes in life one fully doesn’t grasp something until one experiences it.  That is true for me in many instances, but especially true when it comes to the loss of a parent. It’s never easy, I always knew that. But, for some strange reason I didn’t think it would be as hard to lose a parent as an adult. I thought losing a parent as a child would be the most soul crushing loss one can experience. I am here to tell you that it’s not. It’s not easy, not by any means. But it’s as if you’re comparing apples and oranges. One loss isn’t harder than the other. When my Dad died suddenly after a short illness, instead of being able to grieve I had to work on his obituary and schedule a Celebration of Life. I had to go through pictures and create a slide show, I had to order food for his Celebration of Life.  I had to figure out what  decorations to put on the tables, what belongings to place on the viewing tables. This is not something I wanted to do while I was in shock and such sorrow after losing my dad. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed and not get out for days.  I wanted to curse and scream and ask why my dad, who was the most amazing, positive person you could ever meet, had to die 2 days after his 69th birthday.

When my mom died when I was a child, I didn’t have to worry about the obituary, the service or the food that would be served there. I had to worry about how I would manage without such a prominent figure and role model, while I entered what could be some of the most difficult years of my life, even with both of your parents alive and well.

There is no comparison, absolutely none.

They both hurt like a mother fucker.

Dating, Love

Wanted: A Part Time Monogamous Boyfriend

Recently, two different girlfriends who are both in long term marriages have told me that sometimes they really envy my life.

Since getting divorced almost a year and a half ago, I am able to pretty much do what I want, when I want. Now, this is not necessarily the case when I have my daughter, but when she’s at her dad’s every Tuesday night and every other weekend I have eight days every month to do whatever the hell I want. And I LOVE that. I really do.

I can go meet friends, go hiking, volunteer, or even do absolutely nothing!!! Which, truth be told I have been known to do from time to time. It’s me, my couch and usually some true crime show either that I have on my DVR or that I’ve found on the ID channel. I am a classic introvert and need “me” time in order to function. I am fortunate that as a single divorced mom I do get that.

I really do have a great life and I’m in a good place. I have an abundance of friends, some that I’ve known almost all my life.  Other friends that have trickled in throughout my adult life that I consider to be some of my best friends I’ve ever had. I live in a wonderful neighborhood in a super cute townhouse, I make enough money to pay all my bills and usually have a little extra at the end of the month, which I am so grateful for.

My daughter is adjusting remarkable well since her dad and I split. I can’t complain about too much.  Life is good!

But, and there’s always a but, I sometimes miss having a partner to share life with. I find this especially true during the holidays, or when my daughter has a school event. Instead of having other parents feel the tension that exudes when my ex and I are in the same room together; it would be nice to have someone I love next to me to enjoy my little girl growing up. It would also be nice to have a partner to share the dull and mundane things that happen in life. Maybe it’s as simple as something funny that happened to me, or if I had a bad day at work. It would be nice to have someone there that I could share these things with.

And there’s sex. Oh, how it would be nice to have consistent sex with someone. I’m sure Duracell is going to be sending me a thank you card in the mail any day now thanking me for all the money I spend on batteries. Why is it that as soon as I got a divorce my sex drive has sky rocketed?  A girls got to get those needs met somehow.

But, and there it is again. With a relationship comes compromise. And that is what I am just not willing to give up at this point. I like calling the shots. Whether it’s about what I’m doing, or not doing for that matter.  I like being able to decide what to have for dinner every night.  I don’t need to check in with my partner to see if they’re in the mood for Thai food. (Which who in the hell isn’t?  ) But, you know what I mean. I want a part time, monogamous boyfriend. To me, this sounds like the ideal situation. All the fun without a lot of the work.  Think “friends with benefits” but that lasts forever.  This sounds so simple, easy and what I think most people, even married folks would really want.

Why is this so hard to find?

Divorce

A letter to my ex

Yesterday I found out that my ex-husband knows about my blog, which shouldn’t surprise me since it’s out there on the internet for everyone to read. I just wonder how he found out. I have never revealed my real name, I use pseudonyms for him and my daughter and both he and his girlfriend are blocked from my Facebook page. Regardless, he knows and I’m sure he and his girlfriend get a kick out of my vulnerability and shortcomings as they sit in their dysfunction not trying one ounce to better themselves.

What really pisses me off is that my ex said that he hopes our daughter; Anna (not her real name) never reads my blogs when she’s old enough. And why is that I wonder? Is he afraid she will finally figure out that her dad is a sick fuck who only cares about himself and getting his dick wet?

Here’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that my daughter will find out that her dad, who she loves dearly decided that when he and I were having problems instead of working on our marriage, he chose to find a mistress on a website that catered to married people looking to have an affair.

Once her father found a mistress, he  did nothing when she  created a fake Facebook account so she could send me a message telling me “anonymously” that my husband was having an affair. Naively, I didn’t believe this person because my husband had me so fooled that he was a good man, a man with integrity that would never do that sort of thing. I was so scared I thought I had a stalker that I even filed a police report! I bought mace and a Taser the next day I was so scared. What did my ex do while I was freaking out? Absolutely NOTHING!!!!

I wonder what my daughter will think about her father when she finds out that his mistress would come to our family home while I was at work or out of town and they would fuck in our bed. What will my daughter think when she finds out his mistress stole one of our family photos from our family vacation to Hawaii? What will she think when she finds out that his mistress was able to randomly call myself and my ex within minutes of each other, but there would be no one on the line when I answered? Her and my ex must have schemed a system so they could talk to one another if I wasn’t home. What will my daughter think when his mistress would text both he and I from a fake number with some bullshit line like “Hey You” or would text my ex that I was cheating on him, and he would text back because he was “bored?”

What will my daughter think when she finds out that he would meet his mistress at a park with her daughter so that they could play all while he was still married to me?

What will my daughter think when I tell her that my divorce attorney advised that her father get a restraining order against his mistress because she was such a nut job? But instead of doing so, he continued the relationship.

What will my daughter think when she knows that I did all I could to keep that psycho away from her. I was able to do it for 9 months after our separation. I wish it could have been forever.

If my daughter wants to read my blogs when she’s old enough she can read that I was hurt, I was scared and I was vulnerable. I am also human. I may have made some mistakes, but I did everything I could to better myself and make sure that my daughter knew one thing had never changed. I love her more than anybody I have ever loved in my life. That is a constant no matter how mucky our life got or how pissed off I was with her dad.

My daughter will know that I never ever have said a negative word about her father in front of her. When she called me to let me know what his girlfriend gave her for Christmas, I cheerfully told her how cool it was. When she and I went somewhere fun or she wanted to share something with her dad it was me who asked her if she wanted to call him. If it had been a few days since she had spoken to him it is me who asked her if she wants to talk to him and hand her my phone.

So, Brad (not his real name) I have no problem with our daughter reading my blog. She will know that her mother is human, real, and vulnerable and took a chance to do something that helped her heal in what has been one of the most painful times in her life.